Its hard to come out of what feels like a shitty week and try to figure out where to go from here. I wanna pull out all the stops to ensure that there is reassurance, support, and love, but I also feel like I dont know if it's worth me.
I have been thinking alot about the person that was me last week, and the moments that led up to that. it was a lot of false beliefs, in someone that I am not, and someone my partner is not. but all the pain from past relationships, all the shit from my life, it makes me the person I am, and although I may be me... I am also the wounded me that was me.
I keep making plans, wanting to move forward, but I feel like it's not guarantee that its worth it. my plans only go so far, its about speaking, communication, growth, trust. I feel like a part of me has broken that trust.. and that belief in me.. because I hurt.. I wounded.. I did not mean too.. I don't even know what I was thinking.. but I know what's done is done.. and I just wanna move forward..
But like she said... where we go from here
how do we create the new? how do we live in the new relationship of us? I know that I feel that I am trying.. trying by being present, and texting, calling, and doing all this work but I feel like it's not be reciprocated because her head isnt in the right space, there's so much that happened for her that I am unaware of.. and I have to live with that.. but it just feels like I don't know how to help. I don't know how to be here for her when I don't know anything of anything, except that it was bad enough she resorted to certain things.. and that's a result of the pain I caused, but also a choice.. a choice that she made to not reach out, believe me she could have called and I would have flown downtown to be there for her.
It sucks because we will have to live with those choices and decisions, and I just feel shitty. I feel shitty that I am capable of this stupid shit. my brain is messed in some ways.. and Im working as hard as I can to find help, support.. I don't wanna be the "beast" I don't think I can destroy that part of me but I can manage it, and whatever form managing that part of me is I really want that.
You know my biggest question is why is it worth it.. why is it worth growing past the pain of us and moving forward.. I'll answer this for myself and for me the reason its worth it is because of the love. because like I wrote... when I first heard her tell someone she loved them, I knew I wanted to be someone she loved.. I wanted to be someone that she wanted to be with, and it's funny cause she did at that time but didn't tell me...
I remember how much easier it was for us when weren't together, our fun messages, fun chats, and fun flirts.. I miss that.. I miss being able to be open, honest, to be funny.. IDK if I actually was those things, I know we've grown since that 3 months ago, but we are still new again.. still learning again, and it hasn't been fun since it all began..
I don't know what either of us are waiting for.. but Im feeling Im feeling something...
I want all in.... but I don't know if that feeling is the same, or if I am truly just crazy. I miss our fun, and i miss our laughter. I miss the beginning story of us.. I miss smiling when I got her messages, I miss the fun.. and I dont know how to bring that back, but I just don't want it to be die hard serious, we've had enough of that.. I just want fun, and good nights, and good days. desire, etx.
right now Im not even sure if I even matter.
Which is a lie! I matter.. I know I do otherwise I wouldn't be in the place I'm at. but at the same time I feel like IDK.. IDK if she can look at me and see me or see the pain that I caused her.
I wanna talk to her but I feel like shes preoccupied with everything else in her life.. and so Im stuck.. wondering.. guessing, does it matter... because I dont know.. Im hurt.
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