Real deal

 I feel like I am going to be spending my time contemplating whether I can be the real deal, I realize that there are different parts of everyone, but I still feel like there's a part of me that is completely terrified of being in love.. I think it's normal, but choosing to accept that love that we had.. It was the best moments I've had in my life, and to be loved back what more can I ask for other than forever.

I know it feels like infidelity.. not that I ever would cheat.. but that fact that I lied.. or that she believes I lied.. I totally read my text differently then her, so I don't get why she thought I was trying to end the relationship, or that there is such a hurt there about her believing I had given up on her.. when I never have and never will... just as I'd say my faith in her will be forever, and we needed that time away because I was becoming someone I didn't recognize, and that time apart hurt like hell but it showed me that I have a whole part of me that is completely crazy, and broken.. I'm sure we all do but I didn't know the extent of that until now..
and I feel like no matter what I do... where we go from here, she will always remember the pain I caused her, and whatever the results on her end were regarding the pain I caused her.. I wish I could swear and promise to never do that, but she said I already broke my promise to not do a bunch of things and did it

I totally seen things differently then she did, and we were totally not on the same ground. I really can't erase that pain, and I can't justify it because like i said we were on different grounds, but what I can do is give the reassurance that she needs, and to work towards that trust, love and devotion.. 

I am thinking of plans.. making plans to make us work on things, recently I seen a goals list a friend of mine had made, and how she had checked shit off as she went along.. I've never really been about goals, an plans.. I like the play it as it goes, but it's proven me wrong enough times, that it's time to change that.. when it comes to making plans, making time for her, making time to talk, making time to connect, making time to walk, or do something that is for us, and making time for the kid.. because he is a huge part of my life, and she is also the other part of that, and we as a almost family will need to implement that in our lives, because I don't want to stay inside, the weather is warming up, and I want to be able to show her off to the world.. 

I remember back in December just as we had barely begun.. we were in a holiday store.. and I was at the check out counter next in line, and my kid was in the shopping cart yapping about whatever, and she came up behind me and put her arm around me and kissed me.. and when I looked around all these psycho people and their judgment eyes were on us.. and I thought that was bs.. and I wasn't sure if she had noticed, I've grown up being seen in whatever environments.
regardless I want our love, and happiness to definitely turn heads, and make people look at us.. Because this is the most beautiful love I've ever experienced.. I would give everything I have just to see her now. 

I've come from a lot of brokenness.. I think most people have.. but for me in a way I feel like I've been in a place where love, and communication were absolutely nowhere to be found, always having to guess, or wonder if my parents cared, or coming in and out of foster homes, and group homes, and the abuse
regardless by the time I learned of love... the purest of love.. it was the love of God that found me, that saved me, that gave me life like no other. 

I'll never want to deny that love.. believe me it shaped a lot of my emotions and a lot of my upbringing of learning of love.

but the love I have now.. is deep.., the love I have now with this person is so beautiful, I watched a show recently that said love is like an addiction.. and I feel like that.. because it's so pure, so beautiful, so precious, that I just got to have it, and I got to keep it, and I've got to put all my heart and soul on the table and fight to keep it, and that includes fighting myself, because sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't see me, I see a verison of me that I do not recognize

I can't express it enough.. how great it feels just to be loved back.. I think I've probably been loved back maybe 2x, and both times it wasn't wholeheartedly because it was not the right time..
Lets not forget my lady, that love was pure, that love was devoted, that love was out of the world perfect, I cannot express how amazing it felt to be loved by her, and to love her, and to hug her, and to be with her, I'll never forget her.. but that's a different love. lol 

I like the real deal, I like that I am where I am, and that she is sort of forgiving me, and letting me back in, and I just wish honestly that I didn't make her feel what she felt.. I don't know how to get over that, how to let me forgive myself for making her believe that I gave up on her, or that I am someone who breaks promises, because that IS NOT who I am.. that was me being weak, lost, and confused, and I didn't realize she read it the way she did, just as much as I didn't think she was all messed up on medication from being in hospital.. I didn't even think of that, and i didn't even back down.
someone gave me advice and said dont let my ego and pride get in the way, and from the conversation of that break up, they said that was me bringing in my ego and pride and trying to be something I clearly am not.. 

for what feels like the 2nd time in my entire life.. I am willing to give up the one thing that matters to me, and as a human, as a person, as a person who has worked really hard at my small possessions, for me to be willing to let go of the thing that matters to me this much, just so that she knows that she matters to me that much, that I completely trust her, and am devoted to her, and that I will not doubt her, that is basically what I am trying to say by willing to give up the one thing that matters to me.. and yes its a material thing, but we live in a world where right now those matter, if I died people would care about this material thing lol.. which actually if I died.. I had written that all my possessions be destroyed, all my material items be burned, melted, completely gone. because if I'm dead I aint missing that shit, and I don't want my family and friends to grieve of me by having my most prized shit, and fighting about who gets it. lol 

anyway for me to tell my love that I am willing as a living human who has to wait to see her, to hold her, to kiss her, I am willing to give her my most prized material item, is me saying I trust, love, and devoted to her, in ways that I have rarely been before, as no one has held this item in that regard to me, and I am willing to do that because I want this to be my forever. 

that is all!!! KMF