The choice

 It has been a hard day of reality check... I know these moments are bound to happen because of where we are at in our lives, but it was such a hard moment.. it was hard to hear that the person I fought for, adore, and love, has been stuck in a spot that almost I cannot reach. It was really hard because I said the wrong things, or whatever as I always do, because I get worked up, I react. and if she knew the truth she'd understand why I did or said what I did, but there are such a few amount of people who know the truth that I cannot say.. 

It was hard to give her that choice and see what she did with it, and at first I think she contemplated it but realized she wasn't thinking straight, and it worked out, but it was a hard moment for me, because I basically feel all in. If that makes any sense? there were tests that I usually do with anyone in my life, and I usually do them awhile, but with her it felt different, I cannot describe it, it felt beautiful, it felt like our souls touched, and connected in ways that I've never felt before, and so my tests with her were short lived, and now Im all in. an she was at one point as well.. but something has changed..

and now its not because of me.

its because of her circumstances, all the chaos in her life, all the chaos she faces on the daily. all the challenges she has in her future, as well as all her mental health, an her housing, stability, consistentancy, everything for her is so jumbled if that makes sense... it's all chaos.. and for some odd reason she welcomed me back? maybe because I can be a stable support, and I'm not the person I was when we ended or I ended the relationship. I've been doing really well with all my thoughts, my concerns, my doubts, or worries.. I've allowed myself to feel them but to let them go, because I know and see her heart in ways no one else has seen, I know how seeing her smile makes it feel as bright an radiant as the sun, and how it warms my soul. I love the way we are together, I like that we turn heads when we walk hand in hand, in a world that some yes do accept us, others not so much. I love the pda fun, I love the fun, I love the fun,  I cannot get over that, because when there's fun for us, her smile comes out, her trueness comes out, and for those few moments we are happy and content even if it's just here at home.. I'd love to be out in the world.

I'd love to show her the world. I'd love to experience the world with her, but that's the future.. this pandemic it feels like its kicking our asses, cannot travel, cannot find solitude anywhere but within our own communities, an as much fun as that sounds, there's a reason I have a car, a reason why I love to travel, reasons why I'd love to get lost in the dark sky sitting in my car watching the stars, theres so much beauty in the world.. it's hard to be locked down. 

the choices today were a reality... of what her and I both face indiviually but what we must face together, because I've just proven her and I are stronger together, I can be there for her in ways that she may need, and I can bring about emotion about life? love? whatever and it's nice, an yes it doesn't last, but the memories do, and in those dark moments that's what we or I focus on. because we were happy. we can be happy, we choose to be happy, we have to deal with all the jumble of life but we can do that together, and i can believe for the both of us, as I try be here to support her..
I feel like this has been such a growth for me.. I don't like the person I was, but the person I feel I am now its a good one, but its hard, because sometimes just like anything, change is hard, growth is  hard, and love like this is beautiful, there is nothing I wouldnt do for her. as she'd say about me. 

on top of all this fun!

I have a kid.. a kid who loves her. who loves us... but...

For some odd reason is going through a phase I'm not familiar with, and therefore honestly I've never had a kid before, and I've never asked for help. But I reached out because i worry about the kid. I worry about their reactions, their choices, their decisions, there's so much bad moments in the world, and I don't know that much about being a parent. I'm doing my best, but when the kid acted the way they do, it scared me like there's something more going on here, like maybe this behavior is something from learning experinces from daycare and if that is the truth it honestly makes me think the kid seen this somewhere, and maybe whomever the other kid that does this, maybe they need help!
I don't know... 
I dont try say my kid is perfect, adn has the best attitude. we have our moments, but the fact the they think it's ok to walk off like that crying, or making me sad, IDK... like it made me think where did you learn this behaviour because it makes me worry. I dont want the kid to think it's all ok to do this, I believe in letting him cry with his mom? or in general. I dont want him to go off to hide to cry, I want that cycle of our future to be broken, I want him to know it's ok to cry, and that theres a reason for it, and we will work through it. I don't want him crying alone in dark room. that concerns me..
I'll have to contact his daycare to find out how they handle this because it concerns me.. on a level that I cannot describe except that I am concerned where he learned it, and also is this normal behaviour if it is how to allow it, and also ask that he come to me..

so much on my mind.. I feel like buying a book because I honestly don't know much about raising kids Ive had little experience, and Im terrified Im going to screw it up, I just dont want to be like that if that makes sense..

so much more to the story but Im exhausted...