the happy rollercoaster piece

 I have been thinking a lot about death... as I have had a hard time, and I have to say how awkward it is to find that so many others think about death, not just death but everything down to the detail of death. Some people go through it, some people plan it, and some people hope to be stopped in their tracks.. always looking for a sign to not die. I remember my times back in the day thinking those things..

i don't mean to write about it now or think of it now.. but right now my thought feels like.. I've lived an amazing life up until now... in the sense.. for the first time in my life.. I have accepted being happy, believing it is not possible for this to fade. I have also found a love like no other, a beauty in those beautiful eyes that I cannot see anywhere else.. as well as a son whom I love and want the best for, but i also know that hes loved.. the foundation of his life so far on earth has been surrounded with love. 

Basically I feel like if I died tomorrow I would feel fulfilled in my life.. there's always that idea that I want to travel, I want to live somewhere far away, I want to drive across the country, or do whatever, swim with dolphins? or save turtles. theres lots I think of wanting to do and I hope one day I can, but I also understand those aren't actual things i need to fulfill my life. what i need is a devoted lover, and a good life, and apart from all the chaos I've faced in this past week.. it feels like it is that.

I had some pretty incredible moments today, incredible moments where we laughed, we even captured it on camera. I cannot tell you enough how beautiful those moments were, and how fulfilling it has been with all the ideas of doubts, and fears, I was wrong in everything I thought or believed and Im back to flying, back to greatness.. and i cannot believe how good it feels.. and I want to lavish this happiness into all aspects of my life.. it would be great to figure it out.. but in time I'm sure I'll do that.

I'm exhausted right now... I just needed to write that I am happy, and I am fulfilled, and I'm grateful for the love of my life, and my son, and I'm grateful to be alive. and that I didn't give up as it would have been so easy...

night