blind faith

 I'm struggling.. struggling still in the sense of why do we follow these ideas of love? I said I wouldn't doubt, I would keep the faith.. but I feel Im being tested. and to be honest I'm failing. I dont understand how you can love someone, live in the same city, work in the same area and never see them, never talk to them, and never want to be a part of their lives.. why do they do this. 

I'm struggling because I don't feel supported enough.. I feel like I've given all of my life, heart and soul and I feel like they arent in it.. I don't know if this is a game, I don't know if they are doing this to cause me pain, or if they really just see this kind of behavior as ok.. because it isn't ok. it hurts really bad. 
I am struggling because I'm not voicing my concerns because I'm told there not legit reasons, that I need to give them time and space, but reality is how much of that do you need to be away from the person you love? that you once considered your friend, your support, and your everything to be no one worth talking too. 
I dont understand how this is ok.. and i don't know how to hold onto something that I feel like is not real.. in the sense that I am fighting, yearning, longing for connection.. I fought for this, I fought for us, and here I am the only one fighting. 

I don't know what to think.. I'm struggling.. I'm struggling with not feeling anything.. an yet feeling everything does that make sense..

they said things are going good..! WHAT THE hell are you talking about! I don't feel ok, I don't feel like we're in this together. I feel like we pretty much nowhere in site to one another. I don't know if this is worth it for you. I don't know if this is what you considered to be ok to treat me this way but I'll you its not.. and if it doesn't change.. I don't know what to do. because I already said I wouldn't walk away, but do you want me to stay as you continue to treat me this way... does it make you feel better to know that your ignoring me and causing me pain. 

then the blind faith.. remembering why this is happening, why this struggle is real, and why it's this way, and maybe it's a coping thing to try get me to go back to where I was, and some parts of me are wanting to run, run far away, but the other is wanting to draw them close like they matter, because they do. 

I'm fuckin hurting though.. I don't get why this is happening, but I'm struggling so hard I can hardly find words, to how much pain I'm being forced into.. or wait not forced..that I'm allowing to enter my life, because I chose this, I let this be my future.. or whatveer. but honestly when we got this it wasn't supposed to be this, it was supposed to something different.. so I don't know what's going on, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to voice it. I don't know what to do, how to do, where to do. I dont know what is it or why... I'm seriously struggling..

I took a stupid survey questionaire... that baasically said I'm a higher risk of self-harm. and that is so true because I feel like being destructive. and I don't know what to do with that.