I have been struggling with why its so important to me again why i can't just say fuck it and walk away, and I guess my answer is that the love hasn't died, we are still where we were.. and maybe we aren't meant to be forever, as I say, maybe it's a love for now.. but i've been thinking about that...
A love so beautiful, so deep that it feels real, that it feels pure, that it feels deeper then any love that ever came before it, and then I realized it... it is a love that is real, it is a love that is worth fighting for, but if anyone ever has seen "smallville" we know that Lois Lane is always the person for superman, but in his younger years it was all about Lana Lang, and maybe that's our love...
we aren't ready to see the "Lois Lane" love, but we both have a deep love, that is hard to give up, that endures through so much already, that has been with us even when we are apart... her main words back then was that she knew this wasn't the true happiness? I don't exactly know what that means but basically that she thought yes she makes me happy, but that it isn't enough?
so really... then...really it could be the Lana Lang love.. this love is ongoing forever and always, but its also the deceptive love, if you can understand that.. we do love, we do cherish, we do honor, and we do care for one another more deeply than any other before, but that maybe it's love that endures, and that is forever, but forever apart.. which is hard to say.. I don't want it to be that, but I realize now that maybe I did this... I caused enough pain and enough doubt that its hard to see any other..
I know this love is epic.. I know it is something I've never felt before and I don't know if anyone can understand that.. but it opened me up in a way that no one has ever seen, no one has ever seen this of me, and accepted me... to truly look at me in all my faults, and still say I love you uncondtionally. I am sure this love exists, and this was or is the love I have.
just as much as my words hold true.. that I'll never give up on her, or this love.. I'll forever no matter close or distant I'll forever want to be the guiding light, to just be able to be the beacon of light for that chapter in her life. that will be enough... however rightnow I realize with sadness.. that I am not that...
I cannot express enough how hard it is to know that i caused this much pain to someone I love, and I realize this is my pattern of stupidity that I want to change.
I don't know all the roads to recovery, I don't know how to become someone I am not sure of, but what I am sure of is the love that conquers all, the love that endures in these times..
I will forever be grateful..
I mean with the first person I ever loved... I wish so much that they loved me back, and maybe in some way they did but it wasn't pure, they had their own addiction, their own struggle they had to work through and they were not ready to let me be someone in their life.. and I feel like maybe it wasn't love for them as it was for me...
regardless this love is different... I cannot explain it enough,, how hard it is to explain.. to be able to love someone, to be able to see them in their forms of every piece, almost every piece and accept them,and I showed myself in ways that I've never done before...
has anyone seen Lucifer? remember how much he tried to hide his true self from his lover>?? remember when he did finally reveal himself? it was dark, it was hardcore dark, but she accepted him..
and that's what i feel like... I showed myself... showed some of my true self, and I was loved, and I was accepted still!!! and even then I fuckin fucked it up out of fear... fear of everything, because I had never never ever been somewhere that deep and still come out alive, and I got scared and than I messed it up.. and so now i know... now i know just a glimpse of what it's like to love, and be loved.. and I want it like a drug, because in our best moments it changed my life, it was the best thing that I could ever feel.. but I may not have it again... I may have messed it all up.. but I'll always have faith,..
I'll have faith that I'll find that love, and her love again and that with time passing I can work on myself and heal myself, that the universe will send her back to me..
If that not the case.. it was the greatest experience of love that I NEVER want to forget because it was a game changer, it set the bar higher then ever, and I want the real deal, I want the love the endures, and the love that is forever...
KMF
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