I'm struggling as I always do.. but it's not because I don't believe in our love, our devotion, our commitment, but I'm struggling with knowing the desire, the meaning behind all of this..
I have to keep reminding myself that I chose this, i literally went out of my way to choose this, and I made sure to try make it right and in some ways I strongly feel I have made progress.. but there's also this feeling in my gut.... that is terrifying me...
When I jumped back into this I thought that it would be similar to where we were before but it hasn't been, and I'm trying to have some sort of understanding that there are reasons for that, but it's hard... it's hard because I realize now... we went from calling/texting/seeing/ to the extreme sense of it all, to maybe we'll talk today, maybe we'll call today? maybe we'll get the ILY text?
and on top of that... we only see each other once a week, maybe 2 if we count the 2 half days that we may see one another, and its a huge struggle for me.. because in my mind I think how can we build on our lives together if we aren't even together, how can she be in love with me, or be happy with me if we rarely see one another, we both can say we see people we'd rather not see more times than we see one another. it is beyond difficult, it's a hard reality to be facing..
I'm struggling to be ok with the way things are going but it's really hard... it's really painful to feel like what... feel like I'm just another whatever? just another appointment? just another support? we see each other once a week for what... for whatever.
I can count our phone calls back in the day.. we called eachother more then 10 times each in a day, we actually talked, sometimes and sometimes we just had fun.. and I miss that.. I don't like feeling like I'm just another person in her life, when I am or have been willing to give my life, or live or kill for her.. does that make sense? I've made a commitment, I'm working towards a goal... an idea? a future with her? but I don't know if thats the same.. I don't know if it's what we are..
I don't know how to have that conversation..because I don't want to fight.. I just want to feel like I matter.. I mean we probably both talk to our friends more than we talk to one another, we probably just.. I feel like IDK what to think about this.. and I have to be understanding that she has a whole life outside of me, and that it is more than me, and it matters to her, but including me in anyway would feel good, would make me feel like we are connected on a level that isn't the same as everyone else in her life? does that make sense?
I'm struggling... struggling that she is currently calling all the shots, and none of those decisions have anything to do with talking to me, calling me, or seeing me, or anything to do with me.. I don't understand how you build love with someone without those essential moments of WHAT!! I DON"T KNOW!
I don't want to go to extreme but I'd like to find a balance.. because currently I don't feel ok, I feel like garbage, I feel like I don't matter...
on top of that.. I feel like my life is falling apart... I am eagerly waiting for anything anywhere to fall apart just so I can do something stupid. but I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to be whatever happiness, but I'm also crying at home, I'm also alone, I'm also struggling with not knowing what' is going on,
I feel super disconnected... much like the rest of the world I'm isolated, secluded etc
But for this it feels like we don't even live in the same city, we literally live nearby, and IDK... I don't want all the bs of a relationship, but at least something something that says this is us? IDK
the struggle is real... and my weak moments are kicking my ass.... I need to know what to do.... because IDK....
I'm currently sad... sad that it's totally fine not talking to me all day, all night, the only messages I get are good morning good night, and maybe a random message of ILY, or one more random WYD, but other than that I can count in one hand how many times we talked on the phone, and I can count in two hands how many texts have been sent...
for someone who matters that much how can they be so little in your daily life? I don't understnad... am I doing this? am i required to make more moves? am I required to demand more? fuck shit is fragile enough as it is, and I dont see any reason to keep up the shit in my head...
Cause there is a balance...and maybe that's what we are working through, maybe I'm supposed to voice that, IDK!!! IDK!!! what to do... I've never been in a relationship where we are trying, aiming for only healthy relationship, healthy connection, so maybe all my ideas are wrong.
you know the song we heard on our last day before I fucked it all up! it was a lame song that I have a hard time listening to now, because I was not myself but I remember that song, and it's hard to hear it because it brings back that moment... and that moment sucked... I hate everything right now... the struggle sucks....
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