I will take this time.. to honor the man I loved 7 yrs ago... today 7 yrs ago apparently was the last time I seen my uncle, I didn't see him that long, but I knew he had suffered for 10 days straight in the hospital, it was like he held on for the 10 days to give everyone a chance to say goodbye.. I wasn't sure of what was going to happen, I still don't fully know what or how he had died. I just knew the sickness whatever it was, it totally took his life within 10 days. it bothered me.. because just day or two before I had read some BS about positive vibes, I literally talked to my family and said we were gonna breath life into my uncle, by bringing in positive energy, adn yet he still died.
it sucked real bad.. and it was one of the hardest deaths I had to face as an adult. it was hard because I literally was in school, I was working, and I was trying to balance all that plus travelling to the hospital everyday trying to give him positive vibes.
I remember this day like it was happening.. and how horrible it felt months after.. and all the drama that followed with planning a funeral, and all the drama regarding funerals, not having a will, or executor. i think it ruined my family, although my family wasn't that close but I never got kicked out of someone's house before this time.
I do not regret the choices and decisions I made. I will forever stand by my decision to defend my mom. I believe inspite of all things my mom was trying her best to follow my uncle's wishes. regardless turned into bs.. and I can hardly want to describe all the pain I went through, my best friend had to stay with me, because I was ready to end my life, because I couldn't live with the pain without my uncle, and the new pain dealing with a shitty family.. my best friend helped me create some memorial pieces for my uncle. it was so great, but so difficult.
I also remember his funeral was no regular funeral, he didn't let minister or church stuff, or whatever, it was the first time I seen a native cultural funeral, or whatever. there were so many experiences I had it was so beautiful and such a great way to honor him.
7 yrs later. I can hardly believe its been this long, I had this plan to go to his grave site today but other things came up, but I also realized I didn't know how to honor him in any other form.. because he was more traditional, and more about our community or whatver.. I hope to go to his grave site to honor him, and all that he did for me.. I remember so much, so much of my teenage years, and young adult years are wrapped around my uncles, they were really like fathers to me, and they supported me, loved me, and believed in me and that I was meant for greatness.
I didn't get the support I had hoped today.. I guess that's part of life.. and I don't think they knew I wanted or needed that today, maybe if I had voiced it but IDK> maybe I dont know.
I got some mood swings tonight and I literally almost took it on, I almost reacted and thankfully a random phone call and I got myself back, and I hope that i don't need the phone call next time, but I have to remember what Im dealing with, and what part of me is dealing with these things you know? does that make sense. =my only good thing from tonights experience is Im choosing not to carry on that burden they have to deal with, and iM going to hope for the best, and find a way to support them but Im not going to jump
it felt good to get to this point..because I almost became a psycho and talking it thro I realized it's not me. its how Im reacting to how someone treating me? does that make sense? my option react or put up the boundary and deal with it tomorrow hopefully.
KMF>.... hope for a better tomorrow.
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