Struggle is real

 The struggle is real.. is all I  keep hearing in my head, and knowing full well that I am not equip. I am unable to do more? be more? say the right thing? act the right way? 
I feel beyond hurt and I also feel like garbage... I feel like jumping..not considering, not thinking, I feel like jumping into my coping mechanisms that make these feelings I feel go away..
When you get to a point where nothing...nothing I can say or do can make me stop what I want to do right now... Then someone said something... don't let them win!

and i stopped dead in my tracks..realizing they don't even know but I know and I know they are pulling me down...making me feel less than..I've tried really really hard to not react, to not let myself feel whatever way they were trying to make me feel, I tried to provide support..but I feel like I ain't getting that in return..and then I question EVERYTHING!!!!
WHY is this worth it...... why did we choose this?

It's super hard question to answer...because there was so much going on... so much always going on, and sometimes it helped to grip/grab that support and help within someone else? to matter? and I don't know if I matter anymore... I'm trying to not carry that but honestly looking at the big picture.. I feel like less than... and it hurts... 

Not just with the way things have gone, but a pile up of everything.. I've worked so hard for so long, I've tried so hard, and I've conquered so much but even in that I am still nowhere.. still not moving forward.. I don't know what moving forward will be about. but it hurts to not be desired/needed/ or considered.. it hurts because I have spent most of my life being there for others.. spent most of my life supporting/ guiding, whatever support an help I can be.. and here I am with no one.. no friends to call.. no family.. 

Do you know how hard it is? to feel that way.. 

what's the point? whats the point of moving forward ? whats the point in keep on moving forward? whats the point of feeling like i deserve more than what I'm getting? what's the point in healing my broken pieces when I feel alone? 
I just want to matter... 

and right now I feel like Im the last thing on the face of the earth that matters... if i died maybe people would care, but maybe people would barely notice.. and no one in my life can say they knew anything because I would be gone, and because I'm not close to anyone no one would be able to say "i could have helped her" because I've shut myself off from everyone and I don't currently see the point in being open with anyone.. 
I dont know why I choose this. I don't know what is wrong with me? I don't know how I can let someone have any influence or power in my life? I don't know why I don't do drugs? I don't know why I don't drink? I seriously don't know why I am here.. I thought I knew!

I thought I knew.. but to be on an island just the two of us..... I'm drowning in my brokenness and I'm hurting because she won't let me matter... she won't tell me anything.. and then I wonder why are we even here...why do I even matter........how can I be anyone worthy if you keep me locked out... why do I even bother. 

Im struggling with this..and I want to give up because it hurts my heart and soul so much... I don't know how to get through this moment... and a part of me doesn't want too.