so I started out thinking that today was going to be the day I'm going to question everything! I'm going to come out and say, say everything I've written,say every doubt in my mind, or every question I need answered. I was going to ask her for real if this was a game, if she was planning on her hurting me or leaving me or anything.
something stopped me in my tracks...as I scrolled through social media... someone had made a post about how hard it is to love someone with depression, or how hard it is for them in their perspective.. all their own fears, doubts, and thoughts that are not real..the person basically said put myself in their shoes.. and I realized... as hard as this has been for me... how hard has it been for her...
to feel like I didn't love her, or care, or want to support her, and be here for her, so it honestly changed my reaction? my response? to her struggles, and how hard things must truly be for her..
so when she called today... my attitude was completely different.. I came in to a place of love.. I came to a place of understanding, and wanting to support, and love. and it changed everything for the both of us I believe.. and how easy it was for me just to say take a breath, or put myself in her shoes, of how hard it feels to feel like she doesn't feel like she can love me, but so desperately wants to love me, or love her. IDK.
and in changing my attitude.. in my choice.!!! THAT"S right.., in my choice and decision to come from love, and support.. I feel like her attitude may have changed as well, she got the reassurance she may have needed to know that I'm here.. as much as she wants to give up, as much as I want to give up, I am still here, and I still believe..
I don't know if that's the right decision, but I know for right now... we have to just give the love and support. there's so much going on in her life, and when she brought me back in her life, she knew the chaos, and maybe she wanted the love? IDK... maybe she needed the stability.. IDK. whatever it may be, it's a small price I pay to be reassuring, to love, to support, and just to be someone who's willing to stand by her...
now you know tomorrow this can change, tomorrow she can decide she's done.. I don't know, but for today. I am walking in the blind faith of knowing that our love wins, our love conquers all.. and as hard as it is to keep this up, I also know that the benefits always outweigh the sacrifice, she can be happy, she can wake up tomorrow and have a good sleep, or she can wake up and be happy, she can choose to see me, or she can decide to give up, run away, and destructive behaviors can destroy all that we had, I just don't know.. but in this moment..
I believe in our love.. I'm tired of doubting it, I"m tired of feeling like I don't matter, because I do, and she's made that clear, and it should need to be done to my satisifaction, it is a hard road for me, because it's a moment of growth, but the love is worth it. wait not the love. her love, her beauty, her perfection, is worth it. and I want the happiness, we can be happy, we can live good healthy lives, but in time, in growth. as long as we both want, and strive for that, there is nothing that can stand in our way
I just want to move forward. I dont want to hurt anymore, and I need to stop myself from doubting what is real because she is real, and this feels real, and what more do I need from all that?
<3
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