struggle

I was all happy a bit earlier... I have won the case that my family tried to say I was unfit in some way. It was super difficult position to be put into. But in some ways it makes sense.  

I wanted so badly to call the person I love but we aren't together any longer. An its beyond difficult for me. It's worse off that it was me that ended it without actually wanting to do that. 

But hearing they had been done with me... well it made me realize my feelings were valid... I truly was being left behind as I wrote about so often.

The situation regarding that investigation was shitty an my ex partner stood by me. Supported me. And was willing to go to bat with me. The love we have is no comparison. 

An I thought about that... so I have loved...an lost. But I have not been loved back with the extent of love I was given until now. An I think for me that's what the hardest part of letting go is all about...

Knowing that I gripped love. I had it within my arms an it slipped away..  I had plans. I had desires. I had hopes. I made plans. I made lots of plans for us to grow. For us to love. For us to live. For us to move forward. I even had plans to get help myself. So that I could be stronger person because I didn't realize how weak I was. Alright not that I was weak but that my faults an the shortcomings about myself were legit real an I had to really work on it. 

It's all did an done.... there will likely as they said be others.. but no one can replace. No one can compare. I cannot even express enough how my heart is barely beating. How stupidly fragile I am. I hear a song. I see hrr face. I hear her voice and breaks my heart. I get reminded in any way of anything an everything we had shared an I fall apart.

I dont know if that's true for them I don't know. But at the same time.....

I'm not willing to trade any of our love for anything. I'll still rather be in that love then alone. I still rather know them an be with them then to have never felt it before. 

I want it. I got to have it. But I know that's not enough. An the hardest is being the only one who is being affected by it all... it's hard to know that. An I'm the idiot who keeps trying an has already lost the battle.

Reminds me of end game...when cap is all that is left standing but no matter how painful his arm or armor was damaged or hurt. He couldn't help but keep fighting. An I feel like that. No matter how damaged I feel about the person ignoring me. Or just not even caring. I still feel the love I still feel us as real an solid. Like we can climb any mountain we can cross any ocean (I'll carry you) an we can do anything if we stuck together. I just needed my reality check and believe me I got it. An I haven't worked this hard at finding supports of my own than ever before. 

I wish....only love.....love to win. Love to conquer. Love to be all that there is. Because I'll never feel hate. I'll never feel revenge. I'll never feel any negative emotion. No matter what they say or do. No matter they meet or met someone new.. 

I am who I am. An I love deeply with all of my heart an there are only 2 other people I ever loved in this way an they never loved me back.... so this person loving me back makes all this worth fighting for.

Until my last breath I'll never stop dreaming. I'll never lose hope that you'll find your way back to me. 

I have no where else I'd rather be... an I'll spend my life proving to you that you're the only one I need. 

Once again me...being me... can't sleep. Can't eat. Can't live because you have a hold on me. I can't break free nor do I want too. As our love was the greatest almost love story either one of us could have 

......