Back to one

 The struggle is real.. I have been still in this mindset of feeling like I destroyed someone's life, because I made a bad decision.. or a decision I didn't even know I had made.. I don't know how to keep expressing how painful it is to hear all the things that happened for her that weren't going well, and I feel like it's my fault, but honestly the reality its equal... I said what I said, but her response to what I said kept us apart as well. I'm not trying to be the only one to blame, so much had been wrapped up in that day, that night.. 

Now that we're back, I'm trying to find common ground.. but I'm also feeling like am I supposed to go back to the beginning? where did the texting of morning and night? and made plans to hang out? or we're back to where we were before it all fell apart? because we were happy literally like 4 days earlier. and it was all rainbows and blah blah 
you ever hear that quote? or is there a quote about being happy? or having everything you could ever want, and there aint nothing have to worry about besides losing it? I feel like I got so happy, happier than I could ever feel with anyone.. and then I destroyed it because of insecurities? because of something deep living within me? someone told me it's trauma, someone told me it's BPD. I don't know what to think.. 

except.. once I've tasted happiness. once I've had these memories of love, devotion, commitment, including joy, laughter, pure happiness.. it's all I long for, all I worship and adore. it's all I want to find. does that make sense? to find something? to lose it? and to want to do everything in my power to bring it back

so today.. is our day.. apparently we're going to hang out with the kid and all. I spent yesterday telling her all my tells.... all my surprises.. i didn't want too but I also needed too.. because the surprise I have was about making my promises real again, and about making our love real again, but it came at a cost of needing to know her ring size. so I came clean about what my plan was.. I had found a beautiful ring that I could lock our birthstones into including the kid, and I wanted to buy it for her. I want her to know that we are her family, we are here for her, we love her, and miss her, and she carries us with her. 
and in telling her my secret I missed the fun of it all! you know when you give a gift to someone with something so beautiful, they break down and cry? 
while she said that is what she would have done.. because I was letting her know it's not just me, but the kid as well, because I am not just one person.... when I am loved my kid is loved too. something I didn't know before.. 

regardless she loved it.. and hearing that cheesy stuff made her tear up, makes me wish I would have kept that one secret.. lol But maybe I can make up for it another way.. only time will tell. 

Moving forward... we are moving at snails pace.. when her and I first started seeing one another I had picked out this article that had talked about the 50 most important things you should know about your partner.. so I had asked her majority of these, and some I figured out on my own, but there are still some lame questions left. I've also added more questions, because I'm me.. and I'm not want to leave anything up to chance, I want this to be a beautiful partnership>??  A love like no other.. the reason for this for me is that I don't think I've ever loved this deeply, and intensely as I ever have in my life.. and I want it to be forever, but I also understand it may be just for now.but more than anything I want to honor that you know? 
How often does someone fall in love? go through hell and then find that love again? I'm sure it's talked about a lot in the world, but I don't wanna let go.. I'd rather die before letting go.. 

I miss the laughs.. I miss her smile, and I miss the snuggle. I want to create love.. in beautiful memories, beautiful laughter.. I'm not a funny person, but I can find beautiful things we can find joy in.. I just want to be something other than what we were before.. before we were inside due to cold weather, due to covid, but as the weather gets warmer I'd like to spend some time in the world, showing our love to every person who walks by my little family, because we are together, we are proud and we are here... 

regardless back to one.... means something... makes me again feel like we are back to the beginning I certainly hope this is not the case, I remember.. our first kiss... our first fun night. our first date night, our first ILY, our first night together. UGH so many memories, that cannot be erased by just going back to one, because we already are in love, and I just want to grow in that? grow in the happiness of our love, grow in the happiness of our joy.

so much beauty in the world, but I only see the beauty in her eyes as she looks at me with love. 

SUPER cheesy! but she likes that stuff so I'll keep it up! just have to choose.. make the choice. take the leap.. be happy for the hours we are together, because if I die by the end of it all.. I want the joy and happiness to be all that I am remembered for, not all the trauma, the ideas of BPD, or whatever bs that is lying underneath the surface. I believe we all struggle... but we all can make a choice... to be happy.. to fill one another with happiness. and that is honestly all I want/hope to do when I see her face.. because this has been all worth it. she is worth it, our love conquers all!

demons are taking a vacation for a day.