moment of forgiveness

 For the first time in a week I finally heard from the person I've been talking about.. and I just wanted to rush over, grovel at their feet and beg for forgiveness. I hate that I am now someone who has hurt someone that i love this much.. today I read a quote from Budda "If you truly love yourself, you could never hurt another" 
So clearly my words are!!! I truly do not love myself "YET" but it's something I'm going to work on, adn to learn more about positive vibes, shit to bring into the universe that is good!

I cannot say it enough how hard truth is.. how hard it was to hear the depth of the pain I caused the person I love... I feel like dropping dead right here and now because that is not who I want to be!! and I realized something.. its been a while since I've been "in love" with anyone so it's been awhile.. and the other part of that is that we sometimes bring our old relationships into the new ones, or the baggage of that.. and my last "in love" relationship was a complete diseaster in every possible way, and I never recovered from that, and I cannot express that enough, but I realize that the relationship damaged me.. 
Maybe we are all damaged, but this was different.. it was lies, deception, abuse, and lots of forms hate, and pain, and fear, and everything that I've never experienced before that.. and so I realize I was being or becoming that person that I don't need to be!

Because the person that I love now! Loves me back! she has devoted herself to me in every way, there is no room for fear, no room for pain, no room for the doubts I have because this is what love is.. and the urban dictionary of Love. Love is putting someone else's needs before their own, Love makes us want to become a better person"
I want love.. I desire love.. I have never loved as deeply as I do now, and I've never been loved as precious as I am now.. 

I don't want to be someone who screws this up as I already have done.. and I have to be willing to push past my own past, my own insecurities, and to trust, and I feel like I do trust.. as I said.. because of what happened on our last day of our love, and that is hard for me to admit.. 
but that same day... I fucked it all up out of fear...? I don't really know why I screwed it all up.. I don't know why I said what I did, I don't really feel like it was me? does that make sense? can I plead temporary insanity?

because my actions and words were not me.. I am a far better person that whomever that person was, and I don't want to become that person, and that is not the person my love loves.. 
so I just feel like I'm being hopefully given a second chance, and I cannot wait to get started.. not that I know what that means, or how to restart.. it's like getting my heart restarted...it's going to take us time to get back in the reality of our love, and I just wanna jump right back, I want them here, I want them now, I want them with me... I want to see her face, and talk to her, and be here in her presence.. and the everything, but I have to be slow..
So in being slow.. I'm guessing maybe I have to ask her out again? Do I have to try get her to go out with me again? I don't really know.. so I asked tonight had no answer because it's super late...

but I just want it to be better.. I don't want to be me.. the me that was the psycho.. I want the me that is now, and I want to know how to keep this me that I am.. does that make sense? the clear minded me, that is totally devoted and wanting to make positive changes for the better of us? 
I just don't know how to begin that besides to ask her out on a date, and put some bs moves on lmfao. not that I did that well the first time ahahha

I just want it to be worth while.. I want it to be the best type of love, the best chapter of both our lives, I dont want to put unrealistic expectations on us, but I don't want us going at a snails pace, because we've already been to the extent of pure insanity, and still survived, (BARELY) but I just want to be make sure it's this... this is my love.

I hate the person I was, I hate that I hurt beyond what I normally want to hurt, an I can't erase that hurt, and I said that alls I can do is mend those broken pieces, and hope that they will let me back in her heart, and let me back in her life, and let me be her support.. I hate being called a liar, and I hate that she thinks I gave up.. I didn't give up!!! I've been here the entire time, she just couldn't see me, feel me, or hear me, and it doesn't mean I gave up, she just didn't know I was still here, and I wish I made better choices to fight for her than waiting.. because I feel like I could have done something better, or sooner to help her through stuff? I dont know.

the best part is that I don't even get to see her right away, I so want too! I so want too.... I so NEED too, but I can't... I just hope that we make it through this, it felt so good just to hear her tell me that love was still here, it felt good to feel that just for a minute, to jumpstart my heart and make me feel so good. I want that, need that, desire that! I want it all.. and I hope she does as well! because we can go places without a doubt, I am willing, and wanting to go places .. I hope she can forgive me, and help me mend her brokenness, and forget that she ever called me a liar, or that I ever gave up or walked away! I didn't.. even if she says I did.. I've been here..just not here.. you know? I dont know

just let her answer be yes 

nevermind.. she already answered.. we're back!!!!!

Learn from my own stupidity, and grow from it, and heal the brokenness, and fuckin enjoy the best moments we can have and hope that we can be epic!!! BECAUSE our love is EPIC!!! I cannot expresss enough how good it felt, and how beautiful it was, and is! and I cannot wait to have her back in my arms! I cannot wait to get the help I need, to be better for her, and for us!

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!