regular cycles

 I am writing only because there isn't much to do this late at night, but also because I realize that I get myself into trouble for no reason... I don't know if its a self sabotage thing or if IDK I cant explain it.. everything was great and then I woke up and it was just falling apart and I dont get why, other than i was creating an argument for no reason. 

It felt really shitty to be honest to feel whatever I was feeling and I had no reason for it? other than what? I hardly know the words to express what the hell happened.. I'm lucky that I have a partner who knows this as well as me.but I really get tired of my own bs. I don't get how to stop these things from happening, I dont know why it happened. 
I literally felt like we took it to the next level in our relationship and things were amazingly beautiful and then all of a sudden was like I became someone else, or I read every text out of context? out of my views or my ways of argument? I don't get it.

I'm having no hard times with this, but maybe I was scared? rejected? disappointed? I'm not freakin sure what the hell happened, and I really hope to find help one day because I'm tired of being that person, I don't even know why I'd ever think she'd talk badly about my kid, or about our days together, there are limited and far between, but I just want it to be forever in good spaces don't we deserve that. 
I mean man I wish I could write truth, I wish I could say what happened, and say how it happened and how amazing it was to feel that good, and to be in control... but then my mindset? my bs morning I almost and sort of destroyed us.... and it wasn't my intention..

I just had a different idea of the day and what was going to unfold and maybe both her and i need to work on that communication shit.. I mean I thought we were doing great, but then just like that it came all back..and I was able to recover us and everything but I felt like an idiot, and I hate that I made her feel what she felt.. I wish I didn't do that but I don't know how to stop that..
Its like this bs voice in the back of it all saying all this stuff and sometimes not often but sometimes its like it comes out, an i say or do something ridiculous and then I'm stuck with this BS> 
We had some great talks this week, honestly not that many bad moments so I believe it's progress. but I don't like my weaknesses, I wish I knew how to get that under control...

I also have my own habits? bad addictions? that maybe she's aware of maybe not

I don't know today I felt like i was looking for a reason? a reason to argue? Ive been great and maybe was lack of caffeine lack of proper communication... I really suck at that, and it really blows up a lot of important things for us, and its never my intention.. I wish I could express it...

I really would love more great days, random moment,s and proper everything.. in time for sure but I just... I want everything, I want everything now if that makes sense...

I got no real complaints Id love more fun, more happiness, more good days, and less bs... thats about all I'll say..