Sun will always shine

 I may as well enjoy my moment by writing about it.. for the first time in a few days I've come out of my darkness,  a part of me feels like it was the full moon effecting my brain cells, who knows... it makes no difference in the shitty hand I've been dealt

knowing more and more that I am the problem in the relationship, it's hard to say that because we got somewhere no one had ever been before, and as much as they said we were done, the reality was 3 days earlier we just devoted love, she made all these promises to me. so I don't believe we were done, I think she's hurt, continued to feel hurt and that is my doing.. because Im hurt.. I had all these stupid plans to bring up on our BS walk that never happened, I came up with ways for us to spend time together etx.

but yes it's all garbage now... I have to daily make that choice to let it go... to let her go, adn to know that even though we aren't together, there is always love... always love.. she loves me. and I love her. and even though our love may not be enough for what we each are going through, we care... and love one another, and maybe that's why we are staying apart. 

regardless I am focusing on myself, except it's hard... it's hard because every single time my phone dings, rings, vibrates, my heart skips a beat as I hope it's her... 
I hate that someone or several people told me to message her.. Believe me I WANT TO SOOOOO BADLY> but I don't know how to help her get past the hurt, I don't know how to make us grow from that, because we were so fucked. 

anyway I don't wanna write about that... I was driving today.. damn the beauty in the sky, the beauty in the mountains, all's I could see was her face, and wishing I could share that with her, wanting to message her and say babe lets go for a walk today, but I didn't, I couldn't... cause so many other times I had woken up and like I had said I didn't feel the warmth of the sun, I couldn't feel her love, and that wasn't her fault, that was me... me in my own fucked up head, in all my brokenness.. 
regardless I can only hope she'll forgive me one day, and that she'll meet the me she met when we got together, because I got crazy, and I got psyhotic and that is some of who i am, but the person i am today is me... 
Makes me honestly believe maybe i havd BPD but that's just me thinking out loud, and until I get the help I need I am good to no one..

believe me I want her back, I want us to grow, I want us to celebrate for a long time, cause we have a love like no other... but I know that isnt enough, and she needs more I need more, we need commitment, communication, devotion, stability, balance etx. we need to openly communicate our boundaries, our desires, our wants, needs, and everything... 

sorry it's not supposed to be all about her and i.. but today is a feeling I missed... and I believe the moon had effect on me, because online everyone seemed to go through a break up unexpectedly because maybe we got effected by the universe, as I told her the universe hates me, and def doesn't want me to be happy, and then I sabotaged it all in fear... but today fear has no hold on me, and as you wait and see.. I'm coming back with strength like no other, and hope you can see that... and hope you'll talk to me again.. because I miss your smile, ,your voice... your hand in mine.. but maybe it's over, and if its over.. I'll NEVER wish the universe to hate or hurt you, you've had enough from the world of shit, just need love, just devotion, just need someone to stand by you, and I'd love to be that for you but maybe it's not true.. but for me in this time it's my truth.. but I'll only put it out there, and one day maybe you'll hear it..

but the sun will always shine, and on days like today.. I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do, because the warmth of the sun melts the cold hearted soul I've been for days... except even though I've been this, I never wished pain on you, I never wished to cause you harm... I love you and no one does that to anyone they love. 

KEEP MOVING FORWARD #KMF 

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