Tuesday, June 15, 2010


The last time I wrote I said that I was scared or that I was supposed to do things slowly..

What's bothering me more than ever is that I'm told that I have revealed the most passionate part of me, the most vulnerable piece of me... This has put fear in my heart... lol can you believe it? I am told that I have magnificently revealed my heart and pretty much just waiting to get hurt... How to recover from this? I don't know... How to turn back time so that I am not revealing this piece of me I don't know.
I didn't like hearing this...and now that it's planted in my mind I'm starting to get terrified this is not what I wanted you know? I am not ready for the revelations of my fragile heart.. I really enjoyed the topics of today talking about how in the last year I finally have said "I don't care what everyone else thinks" I have finally come to a place of not attaching to others... I mean the biggest blow to my life was losing my cousin and since he has gone while I just don't trust anymore... and yet I am told that instead of following my instinct that this had to go slow... I'm told I just pretty much laid my heart out for all to see, and because I have been told this while I'm in the destructive state finding a way to get my heart back...

I'm terrified of what will happen... How will this play out...

I don't even want to talk about it... I really want to focus on my goals the things I have set out to do for myself... These are the reasons others are attracted to me, these are the reasons that I am cared for in this extent, it's because of my life experience I can be who I am and I could walk the line the way I do!

So I'm going to stop with this drama of the people in my life and share what I just found out and how I plan to apply this into my life and my career choice.. this is how I get rid of my anxiety :)

So It's been an idea for a few months now that I would try and find time or just find a way to give back to my community in a way that entails how I've come to where I am now..
Someone a couple months ago implanted in my mind the idea of working at a crisis center not working but volunteering my time there... so after a long haul I finally looked it up to see if there was an opportunity! Unfortunately I will have to wait another year because it says I have to have not tried to commit suicide in 2 yrs... Sadly enough lol it's only been a year since I got the 34 stitches in my arm.
But in reading the information of the kind of experience I will have... While being able to share with youth the presentation side of a suicide attempt...To be able to be someone who can share with them my experience and how much after all this fighting, all this let down, all this joy, all this pain, all of everything!! I am able to here...I'm able to share my heart, able to be real... and I don't regret that time in my life but that I am glad that I was able to find ways to make it through to be where I am now..

I want to make a difference.... I want to be someone that others can turn too! I want to be someone who is not ashamed of my history!! I want to be someone who can lay all these cards these shameful cards on the table...and say... you were saying????? Lots of people think that I am almighty of a strong woman, a strong goal set mind!! What were the sacrifices for these things? What did I have to do to get where I am now! Don't tell me that I am strong because I'll show you in all ways how I'm not perfect, how I am weak, and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I am HUMAN! Imperfect, feeble little me!! I am capable of surviving just as much as anyone else is! And I am here to say yep.... it's just! I failed, failed, failed and than I kept trying, trying and trying and look at where it's gotten me?

These are the passions of my heart, these are the reasons I love my life... The reasons I am appreciative of the life I am living! I am worth it! I do deserve it! and I believe it more and more everyday I am alive! This passion!! is a passion for youth, a passion for people who have found themselves in a dark place, and feeling like there is no way out!

Look at my life! Look at my life more closely and see that I had every reason and I mean EVERY reason to not be here...It only took ONE REASON for me to still be here today!

It will be alright... I will get there!! I will wait another year and in this year you better believe death is not looking for me, and I have no desire for it!! I want to make a difference I've been on this road of my journey wanting to make a difference! Let me show you how powerful I can be! I will get there and I honestly can't wait for that!!

Everything else is temporary...

But seriously...is there anyway I could get my heart back? cause if I don't.... While I'm going to scare myself out of this and than I'm going to ruin everything because I was the stupid idiot who revealed the most feeble weak piece of me...this is too vulnerable... too uncomfortable... I need to get myself back together... find that balance because if I don't find that balance I'm sorry to say I really don't believe I will make it! I won't be able to be a friend, a confident to the person I am with now...and if that falls apart..while I don't even want to talk about the repercussions of that...

Wish me luck as I continue on with my journey of finding myself continuously! loving it good and bad!! I will get there no doubt!

It is what it is!! <3

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