creative falling

I survived.

What a surprise... While I guess not really when I'm surrounded by some of the people in my life that believe in me and believe in the abilities I have to get through every road block, circumstance in my life.
Are you ready for it? I fell again... This time it was just about as harsh as way back in October two years ago I think... I went out with some of my so called friends and by the time I realized it we were all about to take some drugs... I almost got to that point... It came into my mind again...

This is my form of the ultimate punishment... darker than cutting, and wanting to die, this would be the ultimate price to pay for something so stupid... I'd never turn back to this life I'm living now.

I made that decision... I walked away and could not go back because I know this is not the person I want to be for the rest of my life... I was hurt, I was angry but I was unstable... I wasn't giving myself a chance to move forward with my life... You know something I learned a few years ago.. Is fear... Fear of the unknown...Fear of succeeding more so because I've failed for so long that when I think I might make it, might accomplish something while than I get scared and do everything I can to be sure I'm not the changed person.
Thinking of it now... There is a great movie that was played... a man spent his entire life in jail serving a life sentence but he was just a kid when he went in, when he came out... he couldn't keep up with the way the world changed...he ended up taking his own life..

So when we think of change... not being able to ease into change... while I can't ease into the fact that really underneath all the lies of the life I live now...I'm a freaking awesome person...
yes I have shortcomings, I make poor decisions, and I live everyday trying to appreciate everything that happens... This is my life...and I'm learning very quickly how human I am... I had always imagined I'd be great...I'd be like a robot not faltering in my life... Was I ever wrong and each entry I have written once how great things are, and once how horrible and how much I hate everything, and how much I don't want to survive...yes yes I've done it all..

I thought about it... I know without a doubt that this life I used to live will always be a part of me. Just as much as an ex-drug user will always struggle with temptations... I will always struggle with my history of the choices and decisions that I struggled with..I will always have those things but just like those people I could say no and decide that my life is to be lived fully...

This past weekend... I thought I wouldn't survive and I came close a couple of times to falling apart and choosing something horrible... but even in those choices... there were people in this world who were with me, and there are things and circumstances in this world that will remind me of what the heck I'm doing with my life... I've never been meant, created and molded into drug use... I must fully understand my cravings for things for destruction really...
I'm learning quickly that I'm scared...scared to move forward...scared to let go...and scared to move on when I know this is how I'm creating my legacy, my life, and my future. I'm scared that I will fail...and yes believe me I will at some point fail and fall short... while I have to allow this and allow my emotions to play out the way they do when I fail and move forward.... It's a big blow to me when I know or feel I might fail or fall short of an accomplishment...

I have high expectations for my life, my choices and decisions... I have not given myself grace because I know if I do I might as well just be a loser who doesn't do anything. It is because of my standards I am who I am...But it's also because of my standards I have the people in my life and I have expectations of them as well, standards to what kind of people they are to me.
How to let these things go...how to accept for who they are...or let go.. these are forms and things I'm working on... It will be a lot more difficult for me to let go of someone who is living, and breathing here in the city. I can only hope...it works out the way it needs too...

While I survived the weekend.... I survived it because I chose it... I chose it... I didn't want too believe me... I wasn't fully where I should be... but I did what I could with what I had... and can only hope for future results of honoring that day as much as I live everyday... One day I have to go all out and prepare myself for that... I just I'm scared too... I imagined that day for a whole year and as it came closer I had ideas of what I was going to do... But I had desires to live love and breath everyday....To honor my life and the reasons for this life why I chose to get off that ledge, why I chose to live each horrific event... While... I survived that weekend... I didn't do all I wanted...but I was there as best as I could be..and one day in the future I will do better and honor the way my heart is telling me too...

Until than... I am here...not fully here...From reading my previous post I'm struggling a war has begun within myself.. and I'm fighting with what I've got but feeling like it's not working, and trying to live...trying my best to find that hope, that wish, that desire that's deep within me that wants me to make it... Will take some time and only hope for the best.

While...I think that's it!

There are new people coming into my life.... not really new...she is someone who was in my life for a very very short season... While she will hold a new place in my life if she allows me to learn from her, she might become a new mentor... I couldn't believe that either... I have people who are wanting to set me up with new supports, new people etc... instead I keep saying no because i said I was already wounded by the last support and I'm not willing for new ones...while than this woman comes along and yet it's like she had already been there and just came back... so I don't know... what does this mean? I will have to work through these moments because I have to recognize people are human and I need more supports the right kind, and the ones that don't leave me six months later

laterz