difficulties with death

I will start off sharing a little about my cousin Kaleb as it is one week ago he passed away... He was in a car accident a week ago and it is the most difficult thing I felt I've dealt with his passing away. He was only 21yrs old....I have spent numerous amounts of my time in Mission sharing in the mourning of the passing away of a family member. Although I don't remember Kaleb that much I do remember some times that we spent together when I used to visit them as a kid... We would play on the computer back then the computer was still just the little tiny thing and the stick you used to play games... I was at the place they all grew up in an as I stood there a warm feeling enveloped me because I knew that even though I don't remember specific times I know it was fun times and that's probably why I can't remember. Kaleb will be deeply missed RIP cousin..

So for the past week I have felt like a multitude of eruptions of being overwhelmed by living situations but not fully aware of them because I don't feel fully capable of dealing with all my family stuff, and still trying to get a job, and keeping my roof over my head. It has been a difficult task or toll on my life just to try move on with my life and still trying to cope with the death of someone so young, and someone who was my family member... I have without a doubt been by my families side helping arrange things, and helping be a support to my auntie...

I have come back to Vancouver and honestly life doesn't seem the same at all... and the only desire I have is to fall apart, to let myself drink, let myself get hurt in some way just to try get away from all that I am currently facing... Thankfully it's not a year ago and I am not the same person I once was... I have changed and I am different, I have become more aware of myself and my own limitations. So here I am on a Friday night trying my best to be productive and apply for jobs, and allow myself to feel any an all emotions that must be present at this time...

I have been in a relationship for just over a month and I have never felt so supported and so just feeling like this is something rather than nothing. I have enjoyed having someone in my life who is there for me, who acknowledges me and my own limitations... I have rarely allowed myself to be as known as I am now but I also am aware that this person doesn't seem to be in my life as destructive relationship all over, but something that may be more than anything.. I have really appreciated the support of my partner, and I have also been a support to my family members.. Today is the first time I have taken time for myself and it's half ass time because its evening but I'm able to be here for me and try my best to carry on as best as I can.

I finished school and although it's a great thing to accomplish something I also feel very lost because I miss school and i miss being part of that family, and being a part of one of the best schools in BC. The Justice Institute of BC was a real transformation and it is true what a friend of mine said about being in the presence of Police Officers they were in training but even their presence just brought on some fear that I had done something wrong. I look forward to one day changing that view and holding my values, beliefs, and traditions so closely that I never lose my heart on the job and I always acknowledge who I am and where I'm from...
Being out of school even though it's only for six months while it feels like a lifetime and I think it's only been about a month... I really want to go back and although I won't be going back to JIBC right away, I will look forward to my return there... I know that if they had what I needed with the degree I would've been there...Unfornately the path has led me elsewhere and I will be looking forward to attending (fingers crossed) Simon Fraser University as it has degrees and it's also the school my uncle Henry attended which is one reason, but the other is that their degree program seems promising.

Apart from school, apart from relationships, and apart from dealing with death....

I find that I am able to be here fully... Not fully present, and not fully taking care of myself but so sure that I am going to make it no matter what happens I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, and I am more aware of my weaknesses, my old habits and I'm able to make changes and be all that I can be just to be present, and live my life to the fullest extent. It seems so strange as I write all these words... To be someone who is moving forward in my life regardless of my state of just external life issues I am able to feel grounded and feel like I'm going to get through this....

While I don't know... It's been a difficult day as I have spent it alone,and it's Friday night and all my friends are out drinking and just making those choices and decisions that grows within me to desire it...and yet even in that weakness I am going to head to my moms for a very short visit before heading home and relaxing and enjoying my peace of mind that I have made the right and productive decision that drinking is not my decision, and not my life anymore...especially if it's only to taste the bitter taste of escaping from my life...

If only I knew more people who didn't drink, if only I knew that I could enjoy my life with others... than I would be out right now but unfortunately this is not the case for me at this time in my life but one day it will be...

Until than I am here and I am alive and I am aware of all I need to feel


Thanks for listening

Laterz