With a heavy heart I write these words as the deepest of words I could ever write... This is one of those times that people that love me would say the words that have been lingering within them "I told you so" these words would be of no comfort to me....
I have fought for a week about my situation to try get there and try my best to fight to stay alive, fought to get things together for myself and find a way through this moment that I am struggling with now.... I have allowed myself to be consumed literally consumed in something that has become destructive to me....
With a shaking hand, and a quivering lip I write these words as tears roll down my eyes... How could I put myself in this situation? Is this really happening to me??? Of all people this is me!
Jessie the same Jessie who has fought for over a year now to stay alive, to fight for my heart's desire... The same Jessie that finished College, the same Jessie that has been here... fully hearted Jessie here now writing these words.
I have believed in life... I have believed in it enough that suicide is no longer an option, that I will fight until the death and even then my heart still be beating after all of is over because I will never lose faith in the ability of others to make it through all they are trying... It has been my desire as I walked the Downtown Eastside today I seen myself...All in blue walking those streets giving a nod to each person I walked by, an one day stopping and saying hi my name is Jessie I work for..... oh ya you know... I understand your situation and I'm here to tell you that I believe in you.. I believe in your ability to make it through every difficult circumstance you are currently facing...
To be someone great... to be the leader that's within me to be... Well it means to recognize the mistakes I've made, the choices and decisions that have nearly caused and felt the death of my heart... And yet you know what I have never lost my heart I just get lost in all that surrounds me an for the first time while I am sitting here seeing so clearly the situation that is before me... And I know now for real that I am getting consumed by destruction....
A destructive path I have never felt before, a place I have never been an a place that I cannot even describe to be truth...
I see it clearly and I see what I have done and I see that the world as it should not be and I need to get out of all of this... I need to find my way through this just as I have for so long...
You know....
Today it took someone that has known me for about a year while it took her words to say to me.. I have been through worse this might feel trapped, might feel like I have put myself in between a rock and a hard place...reality is that it might feel that way but I've been through hell an back. I have survived some of the most painful memories of suicide attempts, I have been destructive on my own, and I have fought...This year to get through school and i did successfully and finally after all this fighting this time around I am able to say fully I am going in the path that has been meant for me and I'm going to get there....
Unfortunately I am being wounded... For one of the first times I'm feeling as I wish I hadn't... I'm scared and I have never felt this kind of fear before and I don't know if I am fully capable of getting through this but I hope/wish and desire for something to work out... Find a way... find the will to be all that I've been meant to be..... I need help... I need some serious support and I need to get through this even if it's the last thing I do... It won't be the last thing I do though it will just hurt, and it will be difficult and I'm scared of getting through it but I'm more afraid for my life of staying in this difficult darkness...
I want to thank all those who have helped me, who have heard my situation and told me this is it Jessie... This is where I choose very clearly what it is meant to be alive, what it's meant to know my heart and move forward... to walk the path that's been laid out for me...
I will get there... I will still remain and I will find a way because guess what that is what Jessie does is gets through all these events in my life...
Until than I am here... broken, shattered but surviving because I am an feel like Superman always conquering of the evil that's within the situations here..
Laterz <3
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