This entry today is about what I've done to myself and what I'm not doing to move forward. I just finished reading some motivation of how to move forward with one's life and I'm appalled that I'm so messed up that I'm where I am, no real aspiration of how to get out of this, and no real desire to keep moving forward.
I'm getting influenced by many people in my life about what's going on in my life, what I feel or don't feel, or confused of feeling... I'm angry that these confusions are coming into my life and I'm getting tired of trying to determine these things. Why do I have to be the one to be so messed up, because reality is like someone said I like to stir everything and I like to sabotage everything in my life so that I remain content of self-destructive choices.
Without even knowing it I've been exposed to some of the greatest people in the world... Some people who have been through hell, some people who struggle now, and some very succesful people in the future or even now... What it means to be a role model, what it means to be a living example of a leader, or what sorts of barriers are preventing them.
As of last week... I've fed myself and been fed some lies or some confusing thoughts about what it means for someone to be in my life... A fine line to me of the dependency's of my history, or even the reality of how messed up I am and how stupid I am about wanting to move forward with my life...
You know these things going on these lies that have been going on I thought I could get past them, and move on and be OK.... Unfortunately this is not the case and I've been highly influenced by the voices of society, the voices of others, and their influences are making me want to sabotage all these things all these people in my life... Cause to me when I look at this confusion I see the outcome being unbearable and even moving back to square one rather than continuing with my life... Being able to continue to move forward with the right kind of support, and be able to be productive, and just be great... When I look at these thoughts I'm seeing myself sabotage and begin to move back because unconsciously I am trying to self-destruct... We are coming to the marker of what it has meant to me to be alive...
Yes you heard right...shortly we will be celebrating the anniversary of my desire to live and those decisions I made back then to be where I am now... The motivation and determination of what it means to me to have made those choices and decisions for me to move forward with my life, the great aspect of what made me want to become a cop, what it meant to me to survive every suicide attempt in this last year.
And yet... Here I am... Thinking of all the ways that are destroying me or the potential of what will happen to me if I say a word...If one piece of crap word begins to flow out of my mouth... And then we find me... stuck back here... Being influenced of the pain and realities of what is not true in my life...
What have I done? who have I talked too? and why does it matter so much to me?
I'm scared... I'm scared of losing the greatest people in my life that have helped me become the living example of what it means to follow my dreams. I'm scared and yet the more these influences come in my life the more I want those people to be set apart from me so that I don't feel that anymore... I wrote an e-mail recently explaining very clearly that no matter what I do right now... I will not succeed but I also won't fail... I have created a support system of great people, but also a support system of my people who are stuck in their stuff but also unwilling to allow me to fall apart, no one in my life will have one drink with me because they know... I have to move forward with my life... I have to become great and it's engraved in me to be great. to do great... and yet even if I wanted too.. You know where my mindset would be?? How dare I let those youth down, how dare I even allow myself to go down when I fought so hard to be where I am, and the unworthiness of my life would come into play and I would want nothing more of it..
It's a cycle of realities that I currently facing..
And yet even though I'm not making the poor decision... I'm lying to those I love because I know what's best for them... I know them knowing where I'm truly at will only destroy them and hurt them... and so I put on my facade each day that I'm alive... One day a week that's all I get to be me, to allow the brokenness be with me and other days... I'm trying so freaking hard to prove that I'm not struggling, and that I'm not hurt by the institutions of society, of people I love... and I'm stuck and I wish I could even swear...but I can't... there's no point...
This is a moment of weakness of feeling like one of the worst people in the world because I have hurt those I love tremendously... Unable to voice my inner voice of slowing but surely dying each day without even realizing how much these circumstances, this confusion has effected me...
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In today's forecast the life and story of me is that I'm going to fail and I'm going to corrupt every good thing that's ever happened to me... I'm foolish to do so, but society and influences are telling me this is what must be done...
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