Saturday, May 1, 2010

not as bad

The truth shall set you free!!

The final season of this moment of my life! I told the truth... I finally gave up on all the words all the pain, all that was holding me back from the greatness of my relationship!! You know what's funny??? I don't think it was as bad... I mean you know when you imagine telling someone something that isn't true, but the idea that there was a moment a glimpse of confusion??? While you picture that moment being the literal end of the world??
It was not that at all... I explained it... explained my truth to it... and even in going through this small burst of argument I was able to still be here even if I didn't feel like it was the best thing to happen... And yet it is...
There is nothing greater.... SERIOUSLY nothing greater to a relationship/friendship that we could be this honest, this conserve... It's so strange, so weird.
You know what I realized today? The reason I can't allow myself to imagine that this might be okay, that I could allow myself to imagine that this would be okay... I can't do that my mindset cannot be there...because I'm not ready to open that compartment of my life... that is still a piece of me that I hold and am scared to let happen even though everyone else knows its there, its open. I cant allow myself to see that because it will prove the show that I am changing..I have changed and I'm moving forward..and that I've capability opened my heart to someone and been loved and loved....

OTHER than the drama of the greatest relationship of my ENTIRE damn life!

The best part of my day was that I went to a Information Session for my career choice!! It was almost like bells were ringing, like my heart, and me and everything fell into place that this is the right decision! that I have to make this commitment to be there... to be able to see the standard at which I need to be at, that I need to raise the bar and be able to have three key components such Pride, Honor, Respect... Of Course needing Integrity.
These components are the lifestyle the moral, the value, the belief I need to have to succeed! I need to push my body to it's limits to create the bar raising.. I need to continue with my lifestyle of morals and values...and one damn day! I will be a negotiator for a very highly valued city.

I'm moving forward FINALLY!

NO ONE ELSE IS IN MY HEAD! I know where I'm at! I know that everyday every piece of me, the beast of me wants to destruct me... wants this truth to be a lie... wants to see my fail... These are places, parts that will always need healing... As long as I keep my eye on the goal I will not fail, and I will become a great role model and mentor to so many people! For this it is my honor and duty, and desire to
"Be the change you want to see in the world" Ghandi~

It's dinner time!! my lady!! sit sorting her food... It's one of the greatest moments ever because I know she will and has stood by me...and for that I am grateful... When and if she ever reads this! I want her to know very clearly how amazing she is... how strong she is!! She is her own pillar of strength... I'm honored to be in her life and cherish her every second I spend with her! I love you tons! glad to be with you to honor today with you! Thanks for dinner


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