Sunday, March 14, 2010

desperate perspective

the words that need to be written because I realized today how much everything is affecting me in a way that cannot be described.. tonight I was on my way to meet some friends when I for the first times missed the little edge I wanted to jump off of... I know something is going on in my life when I have those kinds of thoughts trying to find the words is even more difficult... I stopped hanging out in areas that normally could find me at the respect of opinion of my lady..instead I went to visit my family and it was there that things started to really show it's true colors. The amount of crap that goes on at my mothers house is so difficult so unbearable that at times I find myself wanting to drink or even take drugs...Most people know i would never make that decision to screw up my life because I hold close to my past and the things that went on for me back then.. I know no matter what happens I do not want to see myself back in that state of mind of feeling trapped or scared or anything that would hold me back from a future..
What captured me today... Is realizing that those I care for the most I am seeing them destroy themselves and instead of being able to beat the crap outta of them to hope to strike some sense into them.. I have to wait at the sidelines hoping they will be okay. I've had a bad feeling for a while now, there have been nightmares and thoughts in my mind of what might go on there in this life anyhow...and I still cant do anything... I have to keep in mind that no one could help me now or in the past.. I had to have wanted the future to be the way it is now.. I had to strive and yearn in places I didn't know existed.. I had to taste the future and taste a better purpose in my own life before I can even desire it.. And now that its coming together...what I'm learning is that I have to fight.. I have to be for real about how i'm feeling and how difficult it is to make the right decision everyday when I know those i care for are making the poor ones.. you know how much I wish sadly wish that i could go back..but i know where that life would take me i know this is not what's meant for me and so I have to continue on this journey at whatever pace this is now and hope for something better.
It truly hurts you know? when you watch people you love get fooled into a life of destruction or when you see someone you love unable to defend themself afraid of that darkness that pain that was there in the past may relive and hurt and destroy something or even self.
Now speaking for real rather than the words I've chosen... Well I'm watching my mom become accustomed to allowing her ex-boyfriend back in the picture at the thought of him spending time with his kids...Instead he has emotionally wounded them and if his words actually meant something to make those kids believe they would faill well than I wouldn't be say anything.. I honestly.. cant even remember or even feel it in my bones that my father ever said anything that destroyed my dreams or hopes or desires, or anything that discriminated me or made me feel small.. and yet here I am witnessing a piece of shit man treat his kids like crap and yet his excuse for coming to vancouver is to visit his kids..and yet very little to none have I seen him actually spend time with his kids.
Than not only that... Once upon a time I had tons of support tons of people I could reach out too when things became tough..Just to find out not even three days ago one of my supports left and moved on..and I am trying everything I can to not care but it bothers me greatly..because I felt like it didn't matter and there is no where to turn anymore and that news was completely crap and it's now questioning all those who stayed behind I wonder if I even have made progress in my life.. as I fight all my coping machinisims.. fighting all my desire to get wasted or take drugs... I wonder how much have I really changed..the other time I wrote I said that we were supposed to be working through anger and yet I couldn't see myself going there because really underneath it all I'm scared of how much my anger completes who I am or who I feel I am... So really how much have I changed...and how long will it take before the rest of my supports are gone... it is completely stupid because now I feel like going backwards because I'm scared to continue on.
On top of all that crap.. I than have the one person!!! ONE!! one fucking person I want in my damn bulshit life...and he cant be here... Trevor has been in my life forever we grew up together and when my father died TREVOR was there for me in a way that NO ONE ELSE COULD BE! and yet even in that he is not here now nor can he be.. And it fucking breaks my heart because i love TREVOR so much... I said it the other day "I will hurt someone I care for to protect someone I would die for" Trevor has been my family forever and when the REST OF THE WORLD bailed on Trevor I was by his side protecting him, believing in him..and yet now he is not able to be there for me.. because of whatever reason.. just as much as people know trevor on different levels they dont know what he has meant to me.. the three years I've lived in Vancouver he has been my only family that has stuck by me through thick and thin, he is the one that walked with me in the darkness, he is the one that laughed with me, been a shoulder I needed... and this isn't fair that I am being treated this way because it makes me feel like shit! I HATE IT! I HATE IT SO MUCH!
Lastly the one person who is supposed to be the positive one, my lady! she is going through so much hell on her own that I dont feel like telling her anything because she needs to do what she needs to do... But at the same time I feel the distance coming between us because my phone is cut off and just everything...everything with her is slowing going away...not on purpose but because LIFE is gettin in the way... You know.. how great my lady is?? I dont remember when I told her but she knows my father's birthday is coming up! And she remembered...and that is how much my lady means to me! She knows things that I told her and she has cherished me greatly, and everytime that I am where I am, it's so difficult but I feel ashamed of being where I am because I dont want to hurt her, or let her down again..I'm so scared of this shit going on and I'm so tired of everything!
second lastly... I have classmates questioning the program at school...which in turn is discouraging me... because what's the point you know? whats this program going to do for me? and how worth it is it for me? there was only one reason I was in the program and we decided I decided that I'm insane and not ready for this next step in my life.. and than now.. its like..okay I'm not ready for that so whats this program going to do for me... Once again questioning it all..but knowing FULL WELL!! If i don't stick this program out I'm not going to get anywhere GOOD with my life because i'm freaking scared of not having this program.

I'm desperate for perspective. desperate for a friend to just do whatever friends do.. I'm scared...I'm angry..and I feel the volcano in me ready to blow because I'm getting so upset and so unknown territory that it's truly scaring me..

I have to find a way through this or else I'm afraid I'll make poor decisions again and for that I am scared... I know that I need to do what I need to do for me... I need to really consider myself..After all this constant work of taking care of myself.. I have to continue with that. I have been taking care of my body but now I need to take care of my mind and my spirit..because I feel the world and its influences creeping its way into making me feel like I need to destroy myself...and i cant do that on any account I have to keep living and keep fighting... Keep moving forward!


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