Thursday, March 18, 2010

facing him

(because i dont have internet connection im writing them on word documents and adding them when i can)

March 17, 2010

Through all these moments I’ve had of the true greatness of having someone with me alongside me as I begin to even imagine facing the current circumstances in my life. Is it okay to say I’m scared once again and this time it’s more of early grief that I know will surface more as I continue to see my loved one suffer through his pain…? I avoid the emotion of it because I honestly don’t want it to be real… My uncle Henry has suffered a couple minor strokes and this last one apparently was pretty bad thankfully we went to see him the first weekend he was in the hospital…He spoke of getting out that day when really they had to keep him to be checked on by a specialist.
I’m not sure how often I’ve shared anything about my uncle. Obviously he’s been around all my life and I have pictures of him holding me as a little wee baby. He has been someone that I could turn to for whatever reason and he was always there for me when I was growing up. Just like any person he had suffered some pain from his past but as a powerful man he survived and got away from the destruction of his own addictions. Since then he had continued his work through SFU… Even in talking about it now my heart is starting to sink and I’m shedding tears… I can’t describe to you in enough words how much my uncle has meant to me. I remember when I was young it was before Jeffrey was born we were living by Grandview highway and I had no food and no money, my parents were high or drunk as always and the one shining hope was that my uncle came to visit… And he gave us money to go eat… Always through the years of my parents struggle with their lives my uncle was there taking care of us. When I came to and from Ontario my uncle’s were the men who always told me how proud of me they were that I made the right decision to take care of myself.
My uncle Henry is a very powerful man he attended the Simon Fraser University and he is respected and even though he went through all he went through… He was still able to share with others, and he even shared stories with us. During his recovery from his first attack he had started working on a family tree and I couldn’t be more proud of him, he has been working on it a long time. My uncle is a very giving man and he has always been a really awesome support in my life. It’s difficult to describe how much I respect and love my uncle. I have known him very well and seen the dark parts of his life and I’ve always seen his many accomplishments… I’m honestly scared to tell him what I want to tell him. I have to find the words to pertain to saying good-bye… I don’t think there should ever be a time of that… I know that I need to do this because I love my uncle a lot and what I want to tell him is that I love him, and I want to thank him for all he has done for me… All his love and care for me and my brothers and sisters, I want him to know that I want to live my life to the fullest extent and honor him in all I do. I have been given opportunity to have powerful people surround me; better yet I’ve had powerful family members with many stories…
If only this was the truth of it all if only this was what I was meaning to write about… Honestly it’s not I’m avoiding the real underlining of it all because I’m a child. Tomorrow would have been my father’s birthday and I’m thinking of him now and trying to imagine what it would have been like if he were alive. Is that childish or what? This grieving daughter still can’t let my father rest because every day I live I think of him and miss him…
My father would have been forty-eight years old and I was thinking about it on my way home… you know when I was a kid I remember making father’s day cards, birthday cards... I’m sure I attempted to make breakfast in bed too… I loved my father so much that it hurts to breathe in just thinking about him. So when I picture the event that’s going to happen tomorrow I know how important it is for me to share with my uncle how much he meant to me, because honestly I never really got to tell my father and everyday I’m alive I think of that.
I’ll share a little on my father… He was the greatest dad in the whole wide world!!! He loved me and my brothers tremendously and just like any other person he struggled from his past too. Yet even in his struggle there was always a place for me in his heart, he loved me and everyday he was alive I could feel his love, and I could truly point out tremendous moments of how he showed me that love. Every day for lunch my dad made me his specialty, and instead of being one of those men that couldn’t cry in front of others my dad was a real man he cried openly. My dad was a huge hockey fan and star trek fan. He had a special couch it was orange and when he was home and I came home from school I was always in his lap or on the arm of the chair. One specific memory I have and some might laugh but you never really know someone this is how you’ll know me. We were living in a three bedroom townhouse and my room was right across from my parents room and every day I would look across and see my father’s feet hanging over the bed as he lay there, it was funny he was really tall! When I was kid I used to be on his shoulders, he took me to Stanley Park, he took me to the sea bus. My father was truly a man that showed me the world, in the last months of his life while… Even in his difficulty of his addictions every time I got to see him… He would always give me whatever he had, it ranged from money, to patches to put on my future jean jacket, a bandana, many things and introduce me as his daughter to all his friends at Pigeon Park.
My father was a freaking king to me, he loved me without limits, and he was proud of me and I wish that I could celebrate his life celebrate his birthday with him… I struggle tremendously with death and those loved ones that die… But this one death this one man who died is the deepest root of all the sadness in my life, and I can’t seem to let myself get through those times, or even remember the things that I need to remember because I guess for me I suffered trauma from all that went on in my life after his death. I don’t know how to honor my dad I don’t know how to keep living when all’s I ever want is to be in his arms, and hear him tell me he loves me.
It will be a tough day… I know this and feel it already because I will be honoring my dad and thinking of him, but I will also be telling my Uncle how much he has meant to me all these years of my life! I hope that I make it through and make the right decisions but I’m extremely terrified. I’m more scared of my own emotions than the reality of it all, I don’t want to break down or anything… I just want to try get through the day as best as I can.
Wish me luck as I continue on my journey of whatever this season of my life is!

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