March 24, 2010
I have had my moments of weakness today and trying to take on problems that do not belong to me, and trying to find the quickest way out of each of these moments in my life. All these things I am currently facing are not on my own they have also been brought on by family members.
I’m thinking of it now and even though I personally have no time to write I also know I can toss and turn for hours before needing to desperately analyze all these things so that no matter what I have to do what’s right for me. I know the sacrifice that will be made and I know how much it hurts my heart that I cannot help my family… In this past month I have struggled tremendously with food and have hardly eaten even as I write these words now. I have provided myself with a roof over my head, and I’ve tried time and time again to organize my life, organize my finances so that food is bought and paid for but unfortunately as my instructor said “life happens” and these are things that just happen and you have to make whatever you can.
The story straight as an arrow… There was miscommunication with some money that is owed to someone in my family member, and I screwed this one up… And explained rent has to be paid on our part so we keep a roof over our head... It was always the understanding but somewhere the communication got mixed up and because of that the sacrifice is great… I personally being me tried my best to figure out the solution to the problem… Thinking maybe I can sacrifice my phone for another two weeks, or maybe sacrifice buying food yet again… This is not the case! I have done everything in my power to help whatever way I can, but in the processing of this information tonight!! I realized something significant… This family member loaned money to my older sister more than what was lent to us, in my eyes that is more significant and huge! Really in the end… If this family member would have resisted their guilt and avoided my sister we would not be in this mess, and also let’s calculate how much money has enabled my younger brother for his drinking habit???
I have to be in the right in taking care of everything for myself… I have gone without food and I have gone sleep deprived thinking and dreaming of food. I have refused the help of friends because I know without a doubt I am fully capable of getting myself out of this mess… I have to be aware that I need to set limits! I can’t save my family from the choices and decisions that were made in lending money, it is a difficult decision that was made and therefore the price will be severe… Just as much I won’t enable my brother or sister for their drug or alcohol addiction, I will not enable the person giving them that money but trying to sacrifice my eating and my house over my head for their satisfaction.
It is difficult and life is tough and there are moments for me like tonight that I almost lost it and almost thought of the quick fix of alcohol or drugs or destructive path… I know full well where that will get me and I am not up for that game again… I have worked really hard to try and separate myself from that lifestyle of allowing myself to be surrounded by those people… I have worked really hard to make school my priority and try my best to be where I need to be. I owe enough debt right now and I at times feel like selling a piece of my heart, a piece of something just for quick cash but I know that it will also just get me into more debt which I can’t afford no matter what.
I need to breath at this opportunity to do something other than the quick fix… To fully comprehend what I was about to do what I was about to sacrifice… Realizing the things that were done in this last month and how much it cost… I know this is not the way to go!
I’m looking at my life and the accomplishments no matter the destruction and I’m fully capable of getting myself through this. I’m able to find a job at some point and start supporting myself and paying off all my debts. I know life is difficult and I know that a lot of the time I don’t feel as worthy of a good job, but I have a goal in mind… The more I look at the schooling I’m doing the more I see the leader in me rising up above all these things… I refuse to let myself settle for this life I refuse to let myself be accustomed to the destruction of life, and refuse to go hungry or even let my pride get the best of me… I can and will get through this because I am able… I will figure it out I will find my way and I will freaking make something of myself…
I refuse to feel guilty for the decision I made tonight in looking at my own self first because really I struggled tremendously today and there was no need for it! I will find a way to rise above these things in my life and I will find a good job, and I will get out on my own without question… I know there is greater things in life than this I just have to be as patient as possible to get through this… Just keep moving forward!