I feel like I'm not really here you know? I have been isolated, secluded and just totally fucked up. I'm angry, I hate myself and what I've done and who I've become. I regret so much that this one regret is the only thing that could and would utterly destroy me and every minute of my horrible life I think and wonder would today be the day that I could just be gone.
I began this year with no desire to survive it...
I have nothing to offer anyone... I'm a broken mess and every minute of my life my chest is hurting and I wish I could say it's because i quit smoking but ultimately it's because my heart is sinking, I'm feeling all those bricks all those painful things that made me the beast it's all coming back and I don't care anymore!
People ask me to care. ask me to love..ask me to survive but I don't want to anymore... I'm working towards all this opportunity and yet I'm failing...
You can't ask me to feel anything for a feeling that never existed in my life. You can't ask me to feel this shit for something that never happened... I won't do it... I live in denial, I live in hatred of my own self. I have created a monster buried it and now it's back.
There's no saving me...
Last night I walked through skidrow and my only thought was...who would know what I was doing? it's the last place people would look for me... I talk about being so against drugs but I have a hidden addiction that no one is able to see... I thought I was going downtown to see what I could do about my situation... I ran into family. Ran into all those I care for and all's I wanted to do was grab a smoke, a toke, or a fuckin drink. I don't care...Yet I hesitated because in the end no matter what happens... I will have to live with that... But reality is your asking me to fight for a future that will never exist for me.
The chances of me making it into that line of work... I'll never be fully healed in my head to accomplish this goal.. I have too much... and I really don't care anymore.
Even now... all this shit I have been doing for this stuff for this moving forward shit. It's like no matter what I do it's always holding me back, there's always something holding me back. and its taking every damn part of me to hold on... to hope for a moment to breath to have someone say I believe in you enough to guarantee these things you do now...it's worthwhile.
No one can guarantee anything to me because everything I do. Everything I choose. everyone in my life... all this stuff... The sacrifice. the pain. the heartache... I hate it.. what the hell is the point.I'm told the one thing you need to succeed is to not lose heart. how in the world am I to move forward when I feel it deep within me that I'm losing my heart because I'm sacrificing so much shit with no outlet. no goodness...Only pain... and every day I am close to crying, lying, running away because I can't handle this anymore...
I don't think I'm going to make it... yes I'm thinking negative thoughts but no one knows truly where I'm at... I'm fighting my demons of knowing full well this isn't worth it... my life is not worth it. everything in this last year was not worth it... I am destined to fail, and destined to break your heart. This is who I am, and who I'll always be. I give up.
You have no idea what's its like. To feel this alone. this scared. and to have to sacrifice my value and belief in my family. to sacrifice my own soul. to know and see that I guaranteed to be here for my family just to turn my back on them because I'm drowning in their sorrows and problems. I'd rather fight for them to live and breath, I'd rather die trying to make them make it.
It hurts... It hurts so much to be here...to be alive... It hurts to know the things I've ultimately sacrificed and see that there is no goodness... there is no freedom. there is no outlet. I have nothing, and I am nothing. I gave up everything.... There is nothing left within me to continue on with my life, my future. I lie. I hurt and lie and hope to be believed in when reality is I never intended to make it in the first place.
I've known all along that this would never work. this is not for me this is not who I am. this is not where i belong. Last night on Skidrow I became one of them.... I became one of them and I have no regrets because I know my father be looking down on me saying I knew you'd be just like me. I didn't make piss ass choices but allowing myself to stay there... to breath in the life that this is who I'm to become, this is who I'm meant to be... there is no one who would care at all.
I'd rather let myself die a slow painful death...than continue to see my dreams and goals get further and further away from me... I'd rather give them up... There are so many people who have given up those things without anything.. so how am I different? Just because I had a desire to help, to serve and to be here in my community...because of all these things...people believe that I'm capable of something....
You remember... a long time ago... I tried to jump off a ledge? I still go there... I can't help but go there... but there is one flaw in it... i can't bring myself to walking to the wall anymore.. I can get to the top but I can't go to the edge... I can't imagine who I was in that time... and I know no matter what I won't go that way.. I already said why I wouldn't do it that way because I'm scared... I'm scared of that kind of stuff...
What does it mean to survive? to be alive... to move forward to the future? I been told throughout this year.... how many people believe in me, how much they are there for me, and how much I'm going to make it. while for the first time at a first glance I see how much I been let down, and yet I tried so hard to let it be water off a ducks back... reality is it's not... it's not like that to me. it proves to me the old truth that's been buried within me... people are only in my life for a short season and I can choose to take their words and carry on... or I can stop... stop trying to meet people because in the end they be gone anyhow and how much did they help? another way I been let down... so you can't tell me to not let others down... I'm just going with the flow the cycle of life...
I'm really lost right now... I keep walking the streets...praying, hoping, wishing on a star that I'll find something...something that captivates me to keep going.... I need this soon because I'm close to the edge... I'm too close to destruction I can already feel it within me... others sense it within me... I'm starting... it's started and if I don't find something I'm afraid the person I am now the person I was a week ago, she will die within me...and I'll come back as the beast. I'll return my destruction and I'll forget everything...I'll let myself become the things that I hated because I gave up... I gave up because I've had no outlet. no support. and no reason to keep moving forward. if i give up my family, give up the belief I have in them, give up on the opportunity to graduate because I have no funding..then explain to me what the fuck this whole year has been for me? I am done... and I hate everything I've done just to once again Fail... Yep I hear it and know it and feel I have failed at accomplishing the goals I've set out to do.
The beast within me wins.
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