Monday, April 12, 2010

plan to fail

Difficult news being presented to me... It's funny cause I've talked to three different people about my situation and the reactions of them all were completely different... I said that I wasn't sure what I was going to do after school was over...School is over in three months!!! My immediate thoughts are what am I going to do to corrupt this opportunity to graduate?
These are no the thoughts I need to be having..My next thought what am I going to do? I talked about continuing on with school but honestly the amount of money I owe is enough that I'd rather wipe that clean than try and take on another debt of a student loan, and even then... I don't really know what I want to do with my life...I think it's important for me to check out the workforce as horrible as it is before I decide what I want to do with my life.

These are not the chosen words I spoke yesterday... The interpretation I received from a friend was that money would be handed to me, the way I took that... was that I had been planning on going on welfare again... This is not the case... I've already made that decision and because of that stuff I'm in debt nearly a grand.
So now that is clear... I'm sitting here for three hours now and have applied only one job!! Trying to determine what kind of job I want, what I'm capable of doing...

Don't let my appearance deceive you... Believe me I'm honestly terrified of working... Things change, life changes, where I was weak once before I am strong now... I'm not certain of this though, and that's what makes me afraid to even decide to work.
I'm scared that if I go back into work I'm going to go back into self-destruction... Afraid to go into a certain profession and yet it's the only one I enjoy doing, and what I'm good at... To imagine me being in a office environment not going to work, to imagine me teaching little kids...not me... I can't do those things because I'm not someone who can stay inside..

I truly made some decisions in the last twelve hours... I don't know where my mindset is but I know I'm hurting, I'm feeling the repeating choices return... For the first time in forever I literally cried myself to sleep because for the first time in a long time I actually felt like I'm going to fail... No matter what I do how much I fight... I'm going to fail....

What hurt me more... was that instead of speaking... instead of making the adult decision to say anything to my dear friend... I walked away... with no real intention of returning... if I'm going to fall apart again and if my life is going to become disruptive again this time around I'm not going to put my friend through this... If I don't find stability than I don't deserve anything... I deserve the suffering I feel now the hunger, the hurt, and the deception of who I am and what I'm here for.

I was thinking about this on my way to the learning center.. Do you know if I get a job... I'm going to have to explain my dreadful scars because I can't wear a long sleeve all through summer, and I'll have to explain it in a way that makes sense... What I have come up with is that in the past I had an addiction and that addiction was self-abuse, self-destruction and through some extensive rehabilitation stuff I have found some stability and decided to attend College with a desire to have a future in the Police force. As my healing continues I realize that I would like to serve in my community until I feel fully ready to enter into the police academy... Until than I am looking for a job...
Sounds cheesy and stupid... I don't know how to explain this... This was by my own hand my own doing, I did this... I set the fall up of this brokenness in my life 34 stitches in my left arm, with some nerve damage... I did that... By my hands I have become a walking time bomb of self-destruction.

When I walked away from my dear friend... I talked to two of my greatest friends in Ontario trying to figure out the right decision... Trying to determine whether I should tell my dear friend that I'm not fully sure I can stay in Vancouver... not in a desire to run from anything... but a desire to strive for a future that's there for me... A future I struggle with reaching because as I'm in Vancouver I'm only seeing the negative... I'm only seeing the struggle and I'm only feeling the pain of the loss of friends, the pain of watching my friends make poor decisions in drinking, drugs, or whatever the case might be... Instead of being able to be a role model or mentor for them, I feel and sense myself returning to the feeble broken Jess that couldn't do anything but self-destruct because it hurt too much to watch my friends make those poor decisions and only stand at the sidelines.

I sense that my life is coming to an end... not in sense of death... but this chapter of College is coming to an end... I wish I could say I am looking productively for something else to do... or even some stability... I'm struggling to be able to recognize that I'm capable of these things, that I'm capable to comprehend those choices and decisions that may or may not define me as a role model... It's a lot more difficult when people don't give me a chance too...
Two things come to mind when thinking of my choices and decisions of the past... There are judgments that I am as messed up as my arms show I am, or I am a liability because who knows if I'm as stable as I think I am.

This is confusing time... A time of being completely and utterly alone with no real idea of what would be the best decision.
I've made a mess of things and yet even in this mess... I'm still here even if it's half ass that I'm here...

I feel the brokenness in me and it hurts and more now than before... I can't believe that I am someone who had to question the people in my life... I can't believe that I've come to this and because of it... I'm completely scared of what would be the right decision...


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