Monday, May 17, 2010

create it

"Do just once what others say you can't do and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." ~ Arthur C. Clarke

This is where I'm at this moment...This image of creating the change, creating the life that I want and desire to live by. No matter what I do I'm feeling stopped by those who say they are a support to me, being stopped enough by my own thoughts and limitations I have for my own self that now their stuff is effecting me too... It's not as though they are saying I can't do it...But the fact that the consideration is there, and my assumption and interpretation is there too.

I have to do what I have to do and until I get there I'm not going to stop... Yes I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to face many obstacles, many road blocks, set backs, and painful shit that I can't handle... but if I stay alive, if I keep living I'm not going to stop... I'm not going to consider other things, and I'm not going to lose my mind I'm going to fight...Fight for my own spirit, and one day fight for my community, and one day my nation... We shall remain! No matter how much pressure is on me I'm going to fight for the future, fight for these things and yes at moments I'm going to fall..Yes I did fall... Yes I did fuck it up for a moment...but I am still here.. and in still being here I'm thinking of ways of how to make preventative steps to not be who I was, and stay where I was... It will take time, it will take healing and I'll fight no matter what!

I can't even tell you clearly how much I was effected today... I think this is the fault of my own.. I put an expectation on someone that...just wasn't there... cause really when you think of it I already cared, it was already and has already been engraved in me... when you get me talking about what I'm passionate about than you see and feel how I care... but when I let myself be blocked into my own thinking, being secluded and just set apart from others...while you better believe I'm going to lose my mind, you better believe I'm going to question my own existence you better believe that when moments happen in my life that people are not with me.. I will struggle...

Speak of the good... speak it out! that's what I need to do... the good is this person.. this person who was in my life a while ago... not sure when... but she helped me through a crisis and after she was gone that was it.... I didn't hear from her, think of her, or anything... Until I decided... that I needed someone in my life that had some experience in something I thought I might want to do, because it is my desire to be the change I want to see in the world..of course yes. but I also desire to be someone who can help others because I've experienced it, felt it, acknowledged it's grip on my soul, these are things I can I figured who better to ask than someone who helped me through those moments in my life?
The experience... was difficult... in the sense that her impact on my life is a lot more than I could even allow myself to acknowledge which scares me... Yet even than her story today was extraordinary and it seems like this is it for me for now.. yes it might change but for right here and now this is it!

I'm going to be writing a paper this week about what I learned from her, and what I've learned this year, and also the healing process of my own self, as well as an aboriginal leader in my community... This will be a huge paper for me and it will be a well needed writing of the accomplishments I've achieved, and the life I live, and choose to walk into this path of the future.

Got to find my way through this... I also heard in hearing from this woman... I've made a concrete decision about the choices and decisions I will make in the future...and her impact on my life is crazy and scary, and yet... for right now it's perfectly what I need even in not wanting to have her!


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