Friday, June 11, 2010


Write truth... be honest about myself and my situation... So here it goes... I won't reveal as much as I might need too but I need something to help me get out of this mindset and start getting back into my goal setting of the things I have meant for me in the near future...

Recently I met someone... I can't even describe to you in what ways I was attracted and how so strange it was... so unavoidable... I started chillin with this person and hanging out... and than without even thinking I did what I always do... and instead of establishing boundaries or even allowing myself to realize this has to become something more than this... It could have been more than this but I screwed it... I screwed it up by lying, by being the person I used to be. And now I'm finding myself in a position of trying and desiring to let go and I can't...

I need help.... I don't know what to do... I can't imagine how I could really get myself out of this mess.. and it's so stupid! I'm such an idiot for thinking that I could ever be ready to meet someone or that it could work in some ways when reality is... I'm an idiot since moving to Vancouver, no since I left Sean in Ontario I've pretty much allowed my stupidity, my desire for attraction, connection to interpret my relationships...Giving into my desires and the only person that gets hurt is me because I'm that low and that stupid!

I'm guilty and every time I have to think of it!! Do you know what happens to me! I grow anxiety because i know everything that's happened is wrong and I really messed up and there is no way of getting through this. How could I allow myself to be put in this place and to be in this place and so scared! so scared of truth, so scared and so ashamed of the choices I've made and the desire is growing in me to screw it all up and it's on my game plan because what's the point you know? i screwed up so lets see how far it can go

I know I'm not thinking in the right frame of mind... but I really messed up!

I'm supposed to write the good! So here is the good!... I met someone that I am attracted too and whether we can recover from this shit we pulled the last four days I'm not certain... I am certain I don't want to leave this person, nor this person leave my life either... I think that even if things have gone wrong I think we may have a lot to offer each other in a friendship way or something of that sort... I don't know.. that's stupid but the whole point of entering into this was that we were going to just be friends for a while get to know each other as this is the way I'm told is how to get to know someone... to set boundaries and just all this stuff I never knew of! I never allowed myself to be open to this idea of seeing someone and now that I haven't while now I'm in a place where I realize the consequences of not setting limits and I'm scared of the outcome more than anything I'm scared to walk away from it!
Either the good is that I met someone... someone I feel like I've learned a lot about and the more I learn the more I desire, and the more I desire the more I realize how lucky I am to have met someone in this place and just... trying to find balance after allowing chaos to happen...

So... regardless... i guess I'm talking this through trying to find a way to work this out in my mind so that I'm not where I am and i could find a way to be where i can be without these problems.. I really have really really disrupted truth in my mind and I'm trying to find a way back from it so that i'm not where I am you have no idea how much I need to not be where I am..

I can't self-destruct... i can recover from everything that's happened and if that means letting that person go for a time while maybe that's what i need to do! How to be ok with letting this go is the more difficult thing for me.. it's always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do! so I'm scared and I don't know if it's possible or even if it is can I or do I really want to do this!

I wish I could scream really loud because my chest hurts, my head is full of thoughts... I need to focus and just try my best to be ok! Writing about it didn't help either it just made me more afraid, and more scared and more so turmoiled!

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