Im not sure how relevant this would be in talking about this.. I was walking down the drive with a friend who just lost two of his closest family members... I was looking at myself and thinking of a counselling appointment I had just had.. I realized that in the end in dealing with my emotions I'm terrified. I will hide from them, avoid them... as I am an avoider. I am too scared to deal with the emotions that are underlining of the anger that sits and lives within me.
I felt like an idiot today in talking about change for myself, thinking about it as I was coming to this appointment. I was thinking how much I had changed.. I had put away the blades put away the things that prevent me from being the beast... but than I walked into this opportunity for change and avoided it..
I'm scared to deal with those things.. I'm not sure how safe I would be in dealing with those things that are underlining to my anger. I feel like right now.. with all the dreams, nightmares and ideas of being afraid for my life.. The things that are going on with my family and the protector I need to be right now.. How could I imagine dealing with my anger when I know that right now I feel I need to be angry.
It bothered me that I could not voice this in my session.. but i'm scared.. I say that with my head facing to the ground, shame in my heart. I'm scared of dealing with the emotions, of letting go of the anger that has kept me alive and breathing to this day.. I know my way of dealing with things in anger has nearly destroyed me on so many horrible occassions but I also know it's to me in my eyes my safe zone. I dont know much else other than expressing anger..
If ever a time came that I could change I am up for it!
One thing I learned in leaving that session is just the idea of learning about this anger. It doesn't mean I have to change, this could be like this last course just shit thats absorbed in my brain that maybe one day a tool I could use..
Is that crazy????
I think it's crazy.. I'm afraid of my own self. I'm scared of the anger that rages over and explodes that terrifies me.. I'm scared of the feelings that may be hidden underneath the anger that may effect me or hurt me or others. I dont feel that I could producitvely work through these emotions when i feel like right now my life is on the line. I know to others to some it's stupid to think, but when you look at whats going on in my city, whats going on in youth's minds.. it is than it is when you see drunken youth mobin on others, see fights breaking out.. thats what comes to my mind is that one day it's going to happen to me..
I am fighting to stay alive. fighting without using my fists and hope to keep it that way. I have not adopted any relation to any gangs, I have tried my best to be me and all that I am hoping is meant for me..
I have the opportunity to heal and find my way through these circumstances in my life.. I have the opportunity to not be angry anymore..and the only thing that comes to mind.. is how terrified that makes me feel.. I dont know what I would do without my anger, how to productively be angry without fighting, or share the image of fear implanted in those that around me.
If the times comes.. I will try my best to be open to the idea of dealing with anger.. but for right now for today..it's too much to ask of me..because I dont want to see where this would take me.. the road that will come from dealing with all these emotions... I'm not sure I want too even though really I do I don't.. lol if that makes sense... I just have to find a way..
i dont know..
I gotta go.. I'm glad I got to write...cause I really needed that!