Future matters

There are tons of things that are bothering me..many things that have confused me and scared me and even made me feel lower than I could ever feel. This is an aspect in my life that needs some serious transformation...
I recently had a conversation with a friend and I shared with her that I felt like maybe this isn't really me... All these great marks, all these great words...I keep flying into the mindset that maybe they have mistaken me for someone else. This is not truth and I realized that I've never been praised for very much, and so when I do I am constantly thinking maybe that was meant for someone else, or maybe they made a mistake.

I have grown accustomed to that mindset of being worthless, and a mistake. I know I'm a great writer, and I live my life to the best of my extent. It will take many years to heal it will take a great support system for me to be able to be comfortable to break down these walls that have kept me hidden.. Actually off note... While listening to drumming in my last day of class... I had a vision as we listened to the beautiful drum... That vision was I could clearly see a gate of bricks and with each beat of the drum I seen these bricks falling down...
Maybe that's where I'm at??? Maybe I'm finally finding the confidence, the self-reliance I need to continue on with my life..

There is a huge thing coming up in my near future... I'm terrified of it and worry that I will be left alone, worry that maybe I will even fall apart or something ridiculous that relates to who I used to be... I've created a time to fall apart no not that but I have given myself grace for beginning the horrible stages I will soon be facing. I have created an atmosphere that creates a facade of where I am at, and who I really am...
For me to break this cycle... Is for me to cry out for help... To avoid being the rock I try to be and allow myself to fall apart, allow all these feelings that are within me now... allow them to come fourth because this is the cycle of life, this is the road to true and utter healing.

I don't know...Maybe I'm just crazy?

This last course was pretty intense and in learning it... I felt myself hurting, feeling the pain of those things... realizing what's happened truly...what's happened... the statistics, the history, the constitution, the Indian Act... All these things and all those stories... touched me at the root of my being and I felt so hurt, almost as if I were opening the stages to grieve the outcome of my history...
even in this course though... One thing I'm learning very clearly... Is no matter the history or my mindset... I will always have people who are with me... I'm sure if I really needed the help of one of my classmates they would be there...Just as they know I am here for them too... So in learning through these difficult histories each of us in our leadership mindset of how to create a better future... They have influenced my life tremendously and as I look at this future event... Honestly the only people I want to be around is them...

While... It's time to go eat lunch..even though it's dinner time :) I have to be sure that all those words I wrote in my course project I stand by them, huge part of that is taking care of myself... So that's what I'm going to do... I also have to have faith!
I have a friend visiting here and she is living on faith... She believes that she is being looked after and she is... she is a very inspirational friend and I really miss having her around but I know she's doing great even if she's not with me here.

laterz