proud moments

The week has come to an end.. It has been productive, painful and just all around very much not the kind of week..that I wanna remember..lol

I feel like my emotions have been pushed to the limit.. I remember I think it was two days ago I just balled my eyes out because of the choices i've made...but all to better this apparent future that everyone believes in me for... not that I dont want that future...but tonight...

seriously tonight I've been put through enough.. hearing all the pain in the hearts of those who are drinking...the tough times come out when they drink... I know this myself because I get like that after I've had too many..however today I knew my limit and I knew when to stop..and I did as soon as my lady left..that was it for me...so I did well.. once again proud moment.. but then getting all these phone calls from all these people who are struggling...wanting someone there with them, or just needing to vent out the pain of their hearts. must be difficult..

I was nearly shot down tonight... as I looked at a phone call that came in a few minutes ago.. I almost sunk to the ground and died..it scared me because it was a hospital calling and the only person I thought of was my sister...but it was a cousin of mine...not sure what happened but she's there getting checked out... she is alone..and if I didn't have to work or if I wasn't home I'd be there for her...but the matter of fact is that she actually doesn't like me...she despises me and I just dont wanna put myself in any unsafe situation tonight...
I came home earlier...because I have to work in about five hours...or six hours..sorry.. but the fact of it all...is that I just wanna work...keep my mind occupied from all these things that try and linger and break the sense of a future...if that makes any sense...

I spent the day..wondering about this letter that my sweet lady more then likely has recieved and I feel that its that time that I need to continue saying what i was saying in the beginning.

It's crazy... I was walking down the street...wondering so many things that I can't write about.. but I know it's written on my face..I know this because my forewoman the other one while she knew what I had gone through without even needing to have been told...that scares me because it means its obvious..but I guess when those kinds of terrible tribulations come into one's life it does show...and sometimes at moments I'll wanna burst out and talk about it but other times I just wanna cry...
It's been two weeks since everything and I mean everything in my entire life has changed... for the better as so many people continue to tell me... but losing him...still lingers here..the heartache of that lingers here...

if not that...trying to find a way to move on....I know I applied for College, I said good-bye to Sean and then closed the door of my life of the slitting of my wrists... but there's so much more deeper inside that I've probably never seen.. and that's one thing I often think about you know? I mean in Ontario I was told that maybe there has been so many painful things happened in my life that my mind or something just blocked out all those years of my life that I can't remember. and maybe one day it'll come out...maybe that's the breakdown Im expected to have... not funny....

I find that strength in those moutains though... I find that hope the beauty of creation that surrounds us... to live each day to see what he has created..or to smell the roses, to hear the birds..to see the moutains....even under the influence....I could tell someone to live for the moment...cause honestly that's those moments..those moments carry you through the day. and that's something I told someone...if you decide you wanna drink not only know your limit, but enjoy life for the moment..enjoy life..if thats how someone chooses to do it..alright then.. but know your limit.. these words I even speak to myself..because I know as repeatively as it has been...I have known my limit and sometimes get pressured or angry and go over it.. and end up in the hospital..or hurting all those that I deeply cared for...not worth it at all..

I think if I were to regret anything in my life..it would be all the people in my life that I ever hurt..it wouldn't be about regretting the drugs, or alcohol, or the decisions I've made in my life. I find that those mistakes have formed the person I am today...however... for me to call someone up and tell them Im saying good-bye...breaking them the way that I had... to ruin them the way i had... what in the world was I thinking...how in the world was it in my head that it was the right thing to do..it would've been better to write a letter...not speak those words to someone.. how freakin crazy...however... with hearing her voice, her tears...I was able to see the person I was.. through her eyes I could see the greatness that she believes that sits in me... its amazing.. Im always amazed when things like that happen...

Im rambling on..and finally getting exhausted... I just have so much to write..but my mind is shutting down..been up more then enough for today! tomorrow its all about the Pita Pit to see that lady that I wanted to continue to know, encourage and inspire! cause we only live once!