Saturday, May 9, 2009

losing you

yesterdy I lost someone so close to me...someone that touched every inch of my soul, his loss will forever be remembered in my life forever. It hurt to breath my life knowing his life is forever gone. I could not even put into words the feelings i have... I thought slitting my wrists three months ago was painful. Ive been proven wrong this loss has impacted my life..

People are telling me that his death will have to give me strength, give me hope for the future. help me strive to my goals. because he touched my life, he was my friend he was a part of me. and his death is a part of death of me..
The aches I feel are numerous to count... I cried I balled my eyes out lastnight as I invashined his life leaving...knowing I could not be there for him. knowing there was nothing I could do for him. but lay there watching him go.

How do I continue on with my do I get through this. it makes me want to forget it. I'd take a drug just to avoid remembering what I've lost.. his life was my life...his soul touched my heart. I could not describe to you the friendship we had, the love that was there...we had only known eachother a short while but yet it was like it would've been forever.

the loss of this...has caused to me to become ill.. made me nausea's and made me have a hard time living...

Then I look in the eyes of these two friends of mine, these ladies who care for me, stand with me by me...and I realize they are here to help me through. because they know what I might do if left alone, I didn't drink, I didn't take drugs...for the first time in a long time I allowed the tears to flow from my life...
These friends came to my rescue...came to help me through such a time as this... it does not make the ache of my heart disappear. it just helps me see there's something more to my life. he showed me how to feel, showed me how to allow tears to flow to me. he showed me myself and showed me that my future holds such great things... if anything I'd live for now it would be to stand by him as he is in spirit and become all I told him I'd be.

Losing this just the beginning..

I feel like Im mentally losing my mind... i feel like dying, I want to feel pain I want to get hurt, I want to feel the pain of this event. however it does not help. instead I lie in bed crying the tears of someone who has lost a piece of me...

It felt like I was losing my father all over agian... or I was going through the emotions of slitting my wrists again..the shame, the guilt the fear... oh how I wish I could've not felt this pain. to not have to mourn his death. It hurts....

How do i explain how much it hurts? are there words that need to be spoken of how much it hurts? I dont think I need to share that with anyone. because Im sure everyone who decides to read this will understand the loss... there are people who've lost a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, a child, sister, brother, uncle, aunt...there are people who've experienced the grief and dispair I feel now... what words need to spoken?

the sun was shinning...yesterday... I seen the sun shinning only brought tears to my eyes, I wanted it to rain, I wanted it to thunder...because yesterday was not a day to have this weather..yesterday was not a day to have the do we look at beauty at a time like this?
I feel like I could hardly see life anymore... Im scared of living..Im scared of failing. Im scared this pain will never go away.. and I'll be in this place forever. I want to die. I want to somehow make this more tangible to me.

maybe im losing my mind. maybe im going crazy..maybe im mourning this death to greatly. but maybe this is truly what I need...and the best part of it all.. is these ladies here with me. standing near me... helping me... letting me cry. letting me feel... there is no one in the world that's ever let me do that...its not about talking, or saying anything...I could sit here alone crying, and they are my superwoman....this is like my kryptonite this kind of death is hurting me...

I can only hope I wont let him down. that I'll and continue on with my become everything I told him I'd become...I pray that it'll work out... I know I will never forget his death...and I'll truly remember him forever..

R.I.P. <3 I love you forever!

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