I guess I've been saying some crazy stuff lately. I want to apologize to my readers all around for that, I've caused some worries... of the words I been saying..
I want to reassure all my readers that I am now doing everything I can to make it through this, not by my choice but by the promise I made to my lady.
It's still been difficult... I wish that I could write the real reasons of what kind of heartache lay in my heart, the pain that I feel..not just emotional but physical.. the damage I feel I've caused. It's hard to explain to you when you don't know.. to experience such a time like this...is unbearable and i can't believe that people put themselves through this kind of pain.
I've had some crazy nightmares since everything... some crazy moments lately.. some messed up thoughts... trying to find the balance or even the healthy way of doing this... but I can't seem to find a place... I dont know why this keep going through my mind.. but I keep picturing myself facing something so big as high as a moutain...and the strength is not something I have, or the courage... I am not sure I can do it...but because I made a promise I'll try and see how it goes.
I feel like I've lost hope...in my life...in my future... I know that what every is saying. I know it was right...but it felt so wrong... it doesn't even excuse anything that I've done... I wish that I wasn't living because having to be someone to bear this scare for life is too tremendous. I have been going crazy from the thoughts and torments...and saying things that are true for the moment. It's not my intention to make people think I want to die... even though I might be feeling that way...it would never come through.. I know a lot of people would miss me and a lot of people are looking to see me make it...
It got me thinking though... I know I've never done some hardcore drugs...but for some reason I've been thinking I'd become addicted to something like that and end my life that way... I guess its the thought of my long time friend telling me that she thought that's what I'd become. as hard as that was to hear from her, I could see why she would think that because I know where I was headed... But Im also glad that I got my tattoo..in honor of my father..that was my vow my promise to him..that I would never touch that stuff...his death is living proof of what happens to people who decide to head down a road like that...
Through this whole experience..after writing everything I did to my lady..it got me thinking of my father...a rare thing for me...because thinking of him reminds me that he's not there, and I won't remember him...or I'll remember him and remember the pain that came to my heart when he died...I got to thinking of the way my father used to smile, oh to see him smile again... One major memory that touches me so much..Im not sure why...but when I lived in the other place.. he was there.. and he would be laying in bed watching T.V and the one thing you could only see when looking from far off..was his feet...those man feet..I would give anything just to see him again...he was my father..he was the one that loved me, he was the one...that I really cherished... I didn't know it then....but he loved me alot..and I felt that when I look back at the times he was there for me... he was the perfect father apart from his addictions...even in those addictions his love for me was strong... i just wish that his family would accept me the way he did... it would make it easier...because I really wanted to know so much about him.. I want to know about his earlier life...before he met my mother, before when he was a child.. I wanna know everything..every detail..every memory anyone has of my father...because he was my hero..
After talking to my lady yesterday. it got me thinking of what my father would've thought if I had decided to make such a poor decision..and I can honestly say it brought a terrible sickness to my stomach just trying to think of not being there with him... I dont want to disappoint him, I want to make him proud....I would give anything just to have him smile down at me.. and just send me the full memories of our times together... I would not want to disappoint him..
Anyhow... in the end of it all.. as much as I wanted to stay in my darkness..as much as it seemed like I had deserved this after everything I've had to go through... I guess the strength I have is not from me... the hope I have for the future is not by me... I feel weak...still enough as is.. but I found something to look forward to each day... and it's getting me through just the tiny bit of hope...
The emotional side of me... is going crazy.... today on the bus coming home...for the first time in four days or three.. I started to cry... I started to cry...missing the feeling , and it hurt... It's hard to imagine continuing on with life when I know...how much that has been done... Im scared of the future now...maybe Im afraid of failing...you know? maybe there's a lot of pressure.. because I feel like I have to do really well now because of this... but really I just want to curl up in my bed and cry my eyes out because the pain hurts so much... if given the opportunity and will I would lie in bed...crying...because that's how much my heart hurts...
I feel shattered from all these situations in my life...all these times of these stupid things.. I can't believe it's only been three months since I slit my wrists. I can't believe that... I even have slowly made it through that...and that Im not as ashamed as I was with my scars...at work I walk around with my T-shirt on and no one says anything... I dont know how I made it through that..but I guess it was my counselor when she had said...that she knew without a doubt that I was not trying to kill myself but that I had felt trapped and needed a way out... not death but needed a way out... so maybe that helped me alot..
as for this...everything... Im not sure....what to say about the silver linning..or the future that is here or coming...but Im trying..not by choice because if it were up to me I'd just allow myself to self destruct because i feel that ashamed, that much guilt and heartache from the things I've done... but maybe my lady is right..maybe it'll pass..maybe I'll find something to live for, something to look forward too...
Anyhow... I guess...if anything...Im trying..in the littlest ways Im trying... and Im still here. and im going to try find something better to do...but I also want to be sure to allow myself to feel. because honestly... me covering it up with anger... is not helping... soon enough I'll need stitches with how many timse I hit the wall, and I dont want to lay a hand on any of my brothers or sisters for something so small.. that I just am building up all this hate for myself that I lash out. I dont want that to happen...
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