learning to live

Today awe my goodness spending that time at the beach..there is no greater moments in life that can be described....you'd have to see it for yourself of this great creation that follows us all around.
After some of five hours I think sitting at the beach I started to see the goodness of life again. I had said before that I had lost my strength and that I could not find it...

I believe that today is the day I found it. I figured out how to get past these events in my life. I realized how important it is to live and breath another day. My lady had told me about these inspiring stories I often tell her..how I should write about them... I could not even describe how much I'd need something like that. I realize that there are so many things that are good in my life, but when faced with difficult times such as now...It's hard to see past all of these things... I feel like I've forced myself to see the bad..but when talking when given the words to speak I could talk for hours of how many times I've had amazing people in my life..
I mean really...when given just a few minutes...of all the years of my life I was able to find the goodness of all those times. It seems every time something very terrible comes along someone comes along to help me through it.
The one most recent is the slitting of my wrists..something I dont talk about often but that I feel haunted by for so long now...for the rest of my life I am scarred...for the rest of my life emotionally and physically I have these marks on my body the constant reminder of the most difficult times in my life. yet if I could speak..then I'd remember people like my friend April... now she is someone that I admire more then anyone..her life has had difficult times and yet she was shown the love of God...like me she had people come into her life at the right times..to help her through these situations...

I miss remembering these things..the things that made me live...made me breath another day and Im not sure why I dont remember them.I think because i feel like I've been in this for so long all these things that hurt me...haunt me and Im unable to see past them... I can't see past the wounds of my life. Yet now that it's been brought to my attention...not by my ladies words but by writing..
Today I wrote a letter to someone...finally saying words that have been stuck with me for a while. I didnt want to say them because I didn't know how difficult it would be for someone like me to remember them...but as I was writing them...the memories of it all come to mind...

This terrible situation Im faced with now is showing me things I did not see before. I have the opportunity to change, I have the opportunity to survive to strive for greatness....I've allowed myself to enter into this place of darkness...but again like all things I'm given the choice. something that seems so dark to me...I have the opportunity to bring light into it...I could run from it or I can face it...along with all the other things in my life...

I am afraid of these things...because I believe it would force me to feel...to mourn. to feel the pain that I feel I've supressed for so long...to do these things...as difficult as they might be. I realize how important it is..

"being scared to do something but doing it anyway brings you strength/courage"

This is my opportunity...as afraid as I am....I could face every situaion that comes into my life be because..I might feel that I've lost all strength and hope..but there is truly something more to it. and although it'll be difficult and i'll wanna run.. I am finally ready to stand my ground.. I have found a good people, good friends, and I've got some amazing family members... I can get through every situation that comes into my life. i can find the hope of the future, I can find it by living each day...cause soon enough it'll be there..just like today...just like today seeing those moutains, seeing that ocean...seeing those children playing....it brought me something I had never had before...because I had been so lost with all the things in my life. Instead of looking at the goodness I've made myself see all the difficult things...adding them up...continually adding them up...not remember the little things in my life..

I am starting to find the strength. the reason to live.. the reason to reach my goals...as difficult as it might be...I have to start striving for that before I turn into nothing..cause I dont want that to happen in my life...I dont want everyone to be right about me, I dont want me to be right about me...I need to prove myself wrong and truly make it...

This situation..this death has really shown me so many things I didn't see before and as I walk through all the other emotions I believe that I'll find the strength to make it through all these situations as well.

I know truly..in my heart..in my life... I know now everything will be alright...
I needed that so much..I needed that..it didn't matter how many times people could say it to me it only became real when I allowed myself to believe it and truly seen the future...what I'll become...

everything will be alright..