Monday, May 11, 2009

written on my face

The pain is written on my I walk.. as I sleep. as I eat. as I live. It's hard to find the strength to continue to continuing on. I have disconnected myself from the world because Im not sure what I can do..what can I do?

My lady is telling me to apply for College, to really make something of myself. how do I do that? I feel like there's so much pressure on me to do so well.. Im not sure after this experience I can do it.. I want too.. I want to become all that I have been created to be. I want to change the world one person at a time. I want encourage and inspire my family, friends, and anyone who comes into my life.

But how... how... can I do that? how can I share my future... how can I show my love and care when I feel this brokenness in my heart.. to feel the way that I do. empty. to feel like the world just came crashing down on me and I died that day.. How can I do can I explain this to anyone ever again.

Im scared...Im hurt. Im empty Im crying..

I sat at work during lunch realizing how much this has truly effected me. I sat there in near tears.. the world around me continues on.. people pass me by smile at me, an there is nothing on my face. I feel like if people look at me now they see that emptiness.. that pain.. that hurt. that heartache.. those tears that rise to the surface...never seem to come all the way.
I want to live. I want to do everything I can to live.. but Im in a place where Im not sure I can do this..

Losing him...losing him... do you understand. can you comprhend what's happened what kind of thing this was.. what kind of pain this has caused... do you even know whats happened, how it happened. how much it hurt. how much it really literally ripped me two... the feelings overflow.

Instead...of allowing those tears to flow, instead of calling my lady...I sit... I find something to be angry can be anything. it's losing my socks, losing the opportunity to smile.. the sun was shinning this afternoon and all's I felt like is that thunder and lightning I could not see the sun. I could not see the beauty of it all.

There's this song that comes to my mind
" Have you ever love something so much you give your life for, not the expression no literally give your life for. after so much time it becomes a part of you, you feel it beating inside like its the heart of you when a piece of it dies a piece of you dies. you sit alone in dark rooms you weep and you cry you say your goodbyes a million times but never seems right, hoping you can settle your differences in the next life. that's how I felt when I lost you, you was my main mother F....king dude"

That's how I feel..a piece of me has died. and the pain lingers here...trying to find a way to let it go but there is no existance of letting it go.. no way I could say good-bye... it hurts too much

but maybe like all things drama comes into this...Im dramatic..maybe that's what it is.. maybe that's it..maybe Im overreacting about how I feel...but maybe Im right...maybe if you knew what it was you'd understand what I've lost, and what I've done...and how much guilt I carry in my heart, deep in my soul that place has become dark from these wounds... forever wounded forever in a place of disgrace and shame.

I try to carry on...try to say good-bye try to let go of this season of my life.. but there is no hope for that...his death will forever haunt me... his death...if only I could've known. if only I could've done something different, if only I wasn't the way I was, if only I was smarter. if only I never put myself in a situation like that!

As for my lady.. well my plan so far is working...but it's not my choice..yes it is... I really am letting go, Im really saying this is it..but Im being childish. I dont want her to be there.. I dont want her to see what will happen to's like one of those amazing people who goes through the worst moments in their lives, it in the end is the thing that truly destroys them.. that's what Im afraid of... Im afraid of going into a dark place, Im afraid that I'll really force myself into loneliness and I'll find myself with something or doing something I will forever wish I wouldn't even allow in my mind...but Im scared...she doesn't understand what I've done, and how stupid and foolish I've been....

what's the right thing? what do I need to do? how do I need to should I should I let him go? how should I continue in the world do you make it through somethign so traumatizing...and continue living! to plan for a future...when Im afraid that destruction for me is not far off! how in the damn world is that could I become what i wanted to my my heartache and pain. torment and hate.. how in the world am I to become all those great things she thinks I'll all others thinking I'll make it.... Im just feeling like Im going to fail.....I feel like it's written on my face...

who knows...

im losing my mind and it's going to be crazy. maybe im just going crazy.

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