ANGER

Hear them one more time..Im going to break my hand hitting a wall! yay! good times good times! everyone will be real happy after that!


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To find hope for a future....All that I have sacrificed, all that I've lost and your telling me to have hope, strength.....It terrifies me to even believe someone such as myself is capable of a future, someone like me is worthy to be alive. I know looking back at my life all those poeple I met, all the things I shared with them. It shows the true heart of me...but where does my heart lay? It feels like it does not exist. When really thinking of it... Those moments of greatness are seldom and I never last in that place.

I have believed that I would share my story, my life with all who come into my life and then rest my head and go to where no one can follow.. I want to live but I feel unworthy of such a gift, to live, to breath, to love and learn...gifts are for people other then me. I often wonder if its my childhood that makes me this way. unworthy of life, unworthy of happiness.. all those times I was abused or those times I tried to take my life.. After all that I've experienced I just feel like I dont know how to carry on. The burdens that lay on my soul... knowing all the pain I've caused, all the hate I have in my heart.
Then you get me thinking of the many adventures of my life...my accomplishments, those people that were here that have moved on, they carry a piece of my heart with them. How did I last for so long? This has become the most painful experience I could ever withstand.
To try and find my way through it...to find hope in this kind of turmoil is unbearable.. this event in my life drained me...it feels like Im a whole different person and everyone no not even everyone just one person is trying to bring me back that person she met months ago.
Its crazy to have someone stand with me through all of these events.. I remember back in my years when no one was there, no one came to the hospital, I was alone... And yet there she was crying in the waiting room...she didn't even care if I didn't want to see her, she wanted me to know she was there.they were there...
I was thinking about it and in Ontario a lot of people stood by me and at times are still there, but I guess that season of my life has ended.. But to have people there... Not even just that night the week earlier all they did for me.
Its so difficult to want to carry people with me through this. Im so scared it's like the time I choked my brother and threw him on the stairs, I have a crazy temper and often do things I regret. And to carry or have people stand with me through all of this darkness.. Im scared of what I will do, or won't do.
I will fail, I will fall and I'll wanna give up... To try and find hope... In myself in my future. I just wanna give up because Im scared... I feel the strength of fear surrounding me, my will to live is weak.. after these experiences, letting go of the man I loved and facing all these things...
Im scared...I feel like a fool being scared but the unknown awaits me each day I live... What if's, could have's, and should have's haunt me.... What if those ladies were not there, I could have done it, I should have not made that decision...

Then hearing the truth......the truth...the reality of it all... I was lied too...For comfort those people lied to me....to help ease my pain... That haunts me more then anything. I trust the person who told me they lied, I trust her with my life and so those people lied to me..
SO then Im back to square one, back to anger, back to hate, the flood gates have closed and Im not sure if the truth will prevail... what was the right decision? I got to stop haunting myself with all these questions but I can't help but question everything.
Tell me tell me again...why was it right... why wast his right because everything in my being is telling me it was wrong...How in the world...why why will I live my life....SHUT IT! I have too!
The joy of life......is those that Im surrounded by, the joy of life is remembering my heart... its like my heart was ripped outta me and burried but we are going to find it, find it and bring me back....
Cause I have those moments that were good but it feels like the bad is outweighing me, the weight of the bad feels like the burden of the world...
But I have to press on... But I guess Im not sure how to hold this event in my life... and most of the days I try not to think of it but I've allowed myself to be lost in a world that has begun to grow cold..
I have to figure this out because its draining the life outta me, fear is gripping me, holding me and killing me....

Not living...stopped living...you are looking at a facade of a person who once was someone great, but not, she is wasting away...that its that's how I feel...thats it here..and now these are the words.. I lived once...died another day an exact day...and have been transformed forever...for the worst of it all....maybe maybe not...maybe who knows...who knows what people see in me... who knows if that person still exists... I just know this is how I feel and Im losing my mind each day.. my temper is growing and Im getting more angry an now have to check out my hand at the doctor because I've lost feelin in two of my fingers...and it's so stupid... but I need to figure something out and maybe my alternative is the right decision..maybe it was right..maybe I should use my alternative until someone gives me a better one.

maybe I will find something one day...I don't doubt it sometimes...but today... after everything.. all these events of today...the yelling, the unworthiness... it makes me wanna stand and say ok Im going to stop eating until you think Im worthy of food, or Im gonna say ok Im going to stop everything in my life until you believe Im ready..because apparently..your rules, your house. I am not feeling worthy..if not that..the fear that guts each of these kids..they remember what I did, and they know what Im capable of...and I know I can't control myself at times when anger hits and because of all these experiences and events in my life...anger is thriving and hitting everything....everything