I can't find rest in any thing tonight... Im overwhelmed with all these thoughts... all this stuff that's going on deep in my soul. and not having anyone here with me, being alone...being here alone not fun. it makes me think, makes me feel.. so I decided after however long i've had this letter...I figure after my earlier post what better time then now...
I couldn't help but cry... to feel... reading those lines, hearing those words... as much as I want to despise my lady... those words soften my soul, and I just dont know how or when or why Im going to get through this, but I guess if anything...I'll trust... trust in her, trust in a higher power guiding me to the greatness.
That was one thing I didn't mention earlier is that I might a Christian woman on the Rez.. and we talked. and I shared with her all my stories about what God did for me, the feelings of his love, and the things he taught me...and that's why she cried and hugged me..she wasn't sure if I was supposed to encourage her, or she encourage me. but Im sure I helped her in some ways. I just got to talk about my lady...and how much I truly cherish her...
fighting back tears as I write...pretty tough...
What words can i say? how do I explain what it's like to have someone walk with me through stuff like this... all these things...all this stuff... all my time on earth it's always for a season, all my people in Ontario a season, all my childhood friends here..all a season... I dont even care if my lady is only in my life for a season... No one in the entire world has ever been there they way she had...two times... she had to come to the hospital...and she never left... I have cussed her out, I've been rude to her..I've freakin gone crazy... and yet there she is still there... I dont get why in the world.. I dont get why i do what I do... why I try so hard to push her away.
It's unfamiliar..unknown to me... the feelings of her being there... I can't describe to you what its like... I dont think ever in my life will I ever get over that... I'll never for the life of me forget that night, and having her there... It was one of the most painful nights of my life,..knowing how far I had gone, and instead of going through that night alone she was there...she didn't leave my side..
I read this letter.. and I was just like...man alive! is the person she believes in...does that girl exist?
It's hard to figure out where this future will be...I can't think of it..all's I can think about is here an now... I know I work six days a week..an thats it.. but to think other then that.. I can't do it. one of the messages she had left..the one...that I didn't like to hear... it got erased..every 14days the messages get erased...
I dont get it...I dont get this at all...and I really hope that at some point......that thing doesn't make me go far much longer...cause Im losing it.
The last day and a half..I been dealing with my hommies going through some tough ass stuff and talking about same shit I was talking about.. I dont know how to help them because Im still there myself, and then having heard one of my hommies doing drugs... that hurt me a lot.. I could've been like that you know? I could've been on drugs...and this hommie of mine was my best friend growing up, we had eachother's back..and hearing that... I just pray that if my hommie has mad respect for me..that they hear me... because I dont need to lose anyone else anymore... I really wish..
I wish if any desire that should be gone...would be drugs... cause I hate it..I hate that it ties you in and holds your life...I hate that it does that because I see all my people destroying their lives. I can only pray for them that they find a way out... and I hope that none of my people that in my life...ever do that..and if they do...they better believe I'll be out... as for my hommies I don't ditch that thing..I be there trying to help them until they can no longer hear me anymore...
Once again....Godfather has come back to living... taking care of all my people, and all these situations and times..and this is where I feel like Im not going to survive much longer.. because im not capable of helping out my people, or being there for them.. especially if Im still struggling with all my own stuff...
LOST! LOST! lost!
needed that letter though... it'll make tomorrow more productive then going and drinking with these hommies of mine..
laterz
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