trying

The thing that sucks the most is that I could have a day where I can make it by and one little thing just throws me off...it's like there is all this stuff going on in my head...waiting to burst waiting to hurt..waiting to freakin scream. and the littlest things set me right off...I hate that about myself right now... I mean really...the littlest things...and Im just like trying to calm down trying to find something to calm me down because Im angry!!!!!

I need some good music right now...I need some space..I need to run the hell away from here as far away as I can get and never look back... I hate remembering all this stuff.. I hate that I hate everything right now...it makes me angry that I get so into this phase or whatever the hell this is. It makes me wanna freak out on someone, or hit the wall till I break my knuckles. I hate it so much...why do I have to be so childish..why can't I just write what it is...why can't I just say it!

I dont think Im broken. I think Im solid into this anger...I've allowed myself to be in this place for a week now... since everything happened, since he died..is the day I died.. and its hard to find the moments that will make me smile, it's hard to find that peace when I feel like this. i want to leave I want to be gone....not death wise..just away from all this stuff that is burdening me.. all this stuff that makes me ache, all this stuff..the only goodness I have is my cat..she is the only one that doesn't make me angry..she makes me love her even when Im angry...

I dont know...if Im doing the right thing..if living life like this is the right thing. I dont know if I can continue living it all like this... Its really difficult and I just want to hurt people. I just want to scream... I want to be left alone. I want my space. I want to have my time...

Do you know that everyday...every second of my life...there this build up..this hate.. this fear. All's I wanna do is find a place alone and just scream so hard...scream out this pain..scream out everything thats holding me back..bringing down..just freakin destroy it's hold me... I hate that its got me so good...its making me forget everything....forget living. forget loving. and forget everything that meant so much to me...

My place of rest today...was on the bus to work... seeing those mountains. i wish that I could've just sat there and looked at that all day.. because it brought so much peace to me... I mean it was early in the morning and the sun was just rising..and it was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. I loved it...and it seems like it was so long ago since I seen that because Im starting to lose sight of everything..Im trying not too...but I can't help the pain..I can't burden this much longer, it's going to make me sick..its going to destroy me the more Im forced to bury this...

Do you know that everyday....sadly everyday damn day i have to go by a grave site? do you know how much it hurts me to see that...how much I want to freakin destroy that feeling in me that makes me fear that site..I dont even know anyone there, but the idea of that makes me sick.. makes me hurt... I can't believe how much it hurts me...
it hurts me more....that we're living life.... as if it never happened..as if he was never there.. tomorrow will be one week... and I can't even describe to you how horrifying it has been for me to count the minutes, days and seconds of knowing how long it's been since he left..

Is it alright to cry.. no it's not alright to cry..not in this place..not here.. I did last night.. and I wish that I could write the words of why it made me cry... because it was so stupid so small but it hurt so much... something that reminded me of him made me hurt so badly that I was crying till I cried myself to sleep. i can't seem to see the right area of this. i can't seem to find the silver lining I wish that I could. I wish I wasn't feeling this way... I wish that i could be happy.. because Im living...Im alive.. I have a job. I have something right now... I guess...it just seems so much more difficult dealing with this feeling as alone as I do.... laying in bed crying alone, and living each day alone... sad... not talking to anyone...about everything that hurts.. because I feel like it shouldn't be said..maybe it'll disappear like everything else.

If I could waste away..into nothing... stop eating. stop living. stop breathing I would..just because it feels like I am feeling that way. and it seems to be here.. I mean in this last week I've come home angry as hell wanting to kill people. and wanting to hurt people. and wanting to destroy everything in the world... I hate that I feel this way...I can't come home and be happy.. come home an enjoy my night.. i have to come home feeling angrier then words can say.. it's probably the coping machinism..of me... anger is always my best friend.. and I can't ever find something outta this... I wish that I could figure it out..I wish that I could break this cycle and find a way.. everything in Ontario...was so different.. so much...different... just thinking of it.. just thinking of it makes me wanna freakin cry for ever thinking of living back here.. but I can't leave.. I can leave Vancouver but I cant go through that again.. it would hurt me alot...

I just need to breath. I need to just breath.. to cry.. to live. to breath. to love. to enjoy a moment of peace.. I need it real bad right now...