unsure moments

I feel like...everything that I've accomplished this last few days can all be ruined by my own worst enemy...myself... I ended up taking my family to the beach and we had fun and laughing, rollerblading...people seeing my weakness that Im terrified of rollerblading.. but got used to it after a while...but the thing was... with a phone call...someone talking to me rudely is something I can't stand... and within a flash my attitude changed..I sat alone on a bench for an hour...wanting to cry because I felt like crap when people talking to me that way.. after an hour..I said i was leaving..
I felt bad that I left because I should've stayed but I wasn't feeling well because of all the emotions...and of course...put me in a place alone for too long...these thoughts linger in my mind.. I felt so foolish to think of these things...but I wondered what would happen if something ever happened to me... I mean really... the world would go on...but the pain of my life would liinger into the lives of those I love. I couldn't believe how dramatically my mind went into these thoughts I haven't had that in a while...then of course..I rememebered my promise to my lady.. and I could hear it in her words the night I made some foolish decisions..and I remember hearing her cries..and Im not sure I can do that to her again...but I have my alternatives..which will hold me in place temporarily.

I still... honestly when thinking about everything I've been through..everything I've put those I love through..I can't imagine how I can be here today. I dont know what makes me go through life. how i get through each day... I sat at the beach..looking at the beauty of the world.. but my heart became cold..and I forced myself to listen to some messages I had saved on my answer machine..and it brought tears to my eyes...because I realize... that even if I have bad moments.. looking at everything I've accomplished..I took my brother out for dinner an a movie lastnight, I took my family out to the beach today..we had fun...and they seen my weakness of not knowing how to rollerblade anymore...

Then I started thinking.... what in the world is going to happen in my future... I mean really.. I can't imagine like honestly.. how can a future of mine exist..and I wish I could say what it is.. like really to ever...imagine my life becoming something more then this...to imagine that one day maybe in the far far far future I'll meet someone again.... oh just to think of it..makes me sick because Im still very much thinking of Sean... but a few days ago I went and picked up my cell phone and some guy that was picking up something at the phone store...decided to talk to me, and within 15min I had his number!! I was shocked...I mean really... there must be a drastic change in me to have been able to get a guys number..that was random..but to ever imagine someday becoming something other then what I always dreamed of sounds so scary.

everyday...I feel like although im getting one step closer to this future of mine.. the more Im starting to doubt myself and my strength. and wondering if I should be feeling something other then what Im feeling...because i still have so much to work through..so much to let go, and even though there are things I've let go of...well the mourning still exists..and the pain is still very much real...sometimes Im not even sure how I keep myself busy, or how I allow myself to block out the emotions.... I was sitting by the beach and turned to look behind me and seen a whole bunch of things that ripped my heart out...when I left I couldn't even look back because the pain was so there...and I could not imagine myself ever going back there...Im not ready to see any of that... and Im not prepared for the tears that follow...

I feel like... okay...really I feel like I should feel the way I do...I have put myself in this facade that Im fine..everything is fine, I have a job..I have a new phone, new everything...and yet under neath it all...life is crumbling before me...I keep trying...I keep trying to find hope and a future but there doesn't seem to be a way to see it, find it, feel it, an taste it.. I wonder at times if it ever really exists for someone like me...but I guess that's the reminder my lady gives me that she is the reminder, that hope...that future that exists..the pain that I will have to encounter for greatness to prevail... Im so scared of it though... I feel like giving up now...

Im so sorry that I say that...but after today after these last few days...after everything.. it almost seems like this is the only darkness I'll ever really know...and the less I talk about it the more the facade exists and takes over everything about me... I need to figure out what I need to do to survive...and for the moment...it doesn't seem to exsist.. its hard to imagine if this would ever stop...or if really if there is ever going to be a way through this... I hate myself for being this negative...but Im just feeling like Im playing a role now...Im not being real, and Im not being really here...im putting up all the right areas of my life...to be sure that everyone thinks Im alright..to tell everyone what they want to hear...rather then telling them what Im feeling.. cause if someone really knew how I felt...you'd not want to even know I ever was here... cause it's just unbearable things that go through my mind, thoughts that are my own worst enemy...and I feel like yet again..a downfall is not far off...and Im not sure what will happen this time around. I've already got some ideas set in my mind about some things to help prevent the ultimate thing that i wanted to do...but Im not sure how long I can last with these temporary moments...

I feel like screaming..cause it is driving me crazy... and I dont know what I can or will do in future events...I just hope that hope will be my guide, and that my heart truly wants to live and survive and thrive to greatness....

laterz