Monday, May 18, 2009

getting it done

Im back...back home.................. interesting!

I came back today because I had to go visit my uncle and I wanted to get that done today... upon my arrival though I guess there was a lot going on...lots of arguing my brother and mother were crying and instead of sticking around to deal with it...I just took my brother and we went to visit my uncle.. I dont much longer I'll be able to be in this place. I just hope that things will work out soon enough...

Well other then that...I got a phone call that didn't settle well for me....I feel like because I've got a job now more responsibilites are coming onto if I am to take care of family members and help them...I would if I could...but honestly I told that person I needed to take care of myself. this family member told me to stay home for longer stay for longer in this house...and I said no I can't. I love my family but Im not strong enough to be in this place...and I need to take care of myself...regardless that others may not understand one knows really what it's like to live in this place... Im not happy about hearing the things I did hear today... I have enough of my own bills, and dreams and desires for my money and life...then to be forced to take care of everyone else...

apart from that...well I had a good time travelling to North Van. It was good to see the places that make my heart melt...being on the seabus was wonderful and I miss that alot...the only thing I thought about as I was travelling to North Van looking back to Van...was the Harbour Centre how exciting it will be to go there.... oh my goodness I've wanted to go there for so long and never had the money or anyone who wanted to go...and now I have found people who are coming with me no matter what!
Other then weekend plans have been set already. Im taking my brother to see the wolverine movie because I've really wanted to see it and no one wanted to see it with me because they've already seen it...but my brother hasn' Im taking him with me! YAY!

Other then that I've got a lot of shopping to do...I guess if I do have enough money I'll be trading my phone in for a new one....I can't stand my battery and I can't stand that it's falling apart I can't survive with that for another year and half.

Now...below all these things.... under it all....emotional wise..

Im still feeling exhausted. Im feeling like I need to sleep....and just already feels like the week has started and Im drained from it already. I love working it's very great experience and it feels like I've finally found something to do..

However...there are thoughts that still linger in my life..things that hurt and things that remind of things that I've had to deal with. but I know that it'll be ok...yesterday I found something so much greater...then I could ever expect...and when really given the opportunity oh realize where my life is at, or what Im doing or have done.... as difficult as it will be in future events after my day at the beach...I know what I need to do...and I'll do everything I can to strive for greatness...not allow his death to swallow my whole, to destroy me..but for it to bring strength to me for a better future.

Its wierd though...I feel wierd that I haven't cried much lately...there is still alot of heartache and pain from everything...but I guess it feels like I finally found something greater...something for the future. or just the hope for the future. I sit here knowing that soon enough in a day or two I'll be applying for College... and soon enough I'll be paid and I'll be buying so much stuff... and just enjoying life from then on...

i dont want to write anything....I dont want to feel the need to write about anything else.. I just hope that I continue to stay in this place...stay in this place of reaching the future...even if it's one day at a time...I'll find a way..

My alive how amazing you are! To have someone like that in my be encouraged and inspired by have her there even when at times and I mean AT TIMES I may not want her there...she still is there...and when really when I was allowed to think about it.. the whole situation, how she has stood by me through this event and even though I tried so many times to throw her out...she still there...and I amazing she is...and how more and more she is truly an forever engraved in my heart because she has been superwoman for me. I just know now...I can do this...I'll be alright...even if it continues to try destroy me.. I finally seen some things that I did not see before..and therefore I've found the strength. found the hope and found the love to carry me through this!


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