Sunday, May 17, 2009

I need you now

What were do I begin with here? the sun has been shinning for two days, but two nights or less ago I went through some pretty rough times in my life..finally after a long awaited need I cried for help because finally got to the point where it almost seemed like there was no return.. I realize it now it's all those little things this past week of my life that led up to this event... It had been in my mind, and I had thought of it long and often...almost wanted to go to the place but I knew where I'd be at if I did go. I tried to make a promise to my lady but failed that night...
It takes something that stupid...for me to realize how much I have hurt people...these ladies in my life...were there an hour after i had been admitted into the hospital... to even begin to describe to you the relief I had knowing they were there... I could not feel more better about the decision I had made that night.
After some chatting for a bit last night...I realize where Im at...and I loved that she had said that Im at a crossroad...that I have to decide which life I want to live... It's so easy to remember those people who believed in me but also they believed Id become something else..they had a hard time believing..I'd be where I was....and even then where I am now...just the idea or fact that Im still growing up...still a year older....one year closer to the sweet taste of death!

Last night I realized....that I do truly and utterly want to live my life...but like mary said all those years ago...I've continued to allow fear to control my life...continued to be something that i fear living because of these things. I worry about that and yet.....Because I promised what i did and hearing this fear for itself...sorta helped me realize where I need to start with my life. My only hope is that I don't lose my mind like that again... I've got some pretty fuckin amazing people in my life... I have always seemed to find the people that encourage and inspire me for the time.. but to be able to enjoy life with them, hear them, encourage them and inspire them..now that's living. I can only hope that they won't worry about me after this past friday...Im not planning on entering into a situation like that again...because I finally realized what she had already knew and that was that I wanted to live... ....amazing!

It's now been offical....offically one week...since my life had changed forever...and all's I could think about is how could I have....written about it? all those things I felt before I even felt them I wrote them in a story that I wrote...I dont know what inspired me..but reading it now would be the strength for me...because I am where it was hard to allow myself to be accepted by others. I'd expect nothing less then to be scorned, outcast, or hurt by others often..and always. I really believed after all of this that was what I had deserved...and tried everythin in my power to be sure to find ways for others to hate me, or be disappointed in me...
After some thinking though...I've made a terrible mistake...thinking of letting go of people that inspire, an love me regardless of what they have heard, or what they have seen me go through. I'd totally be insane to let that go....but I just thought I didn't want this life.....this season of my life has proven time and again how terrifying it is for me... I feel like I've made more people cry then I've even allowed tears to flow from my eyes.

Im scared.....I mean I dont know what tomorrow holds. I dont know how I'll be feeling about my life...but after finally saying it...I realize that my lady is someone to inspire me...to look at her.. is to look at hope for my future...because she understands my pain and torment..and for her to be where she's at now...looking at me....man alive what was i ever thinking to let her go? Im scared though that as much as I promised her I'd live...I haven't been able to stand true to that..I told her Im looking for something to bring me strength....bring me hope..and for the moment I have nothing....

well I just am in the frame of mind...that there are things i need to do with my life. to find closure in areas of my life where I became...difficult...hard to be around..or closure for those times in my life where I didnt even imagine it could be the way that its become...

In the end I guess Im trying to live. trying to find a hope, trying to find the strength. and so far the first place Im feeling to turn too...is God. isn't that something?

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