Tuesday, May 12, 2009

making it through

Well I was right work is really interesting.. As I finally finished six floors of work... this accomplishment got me thinking... you know...

I mean really I've lost a lot in this past week, went through some of the worst moments of my life, and had felt the most empty I've ever felt in my life. and I feel shattered and scared. however even in the midst of this chaos..this crap.. something came to mind and that was the fact you know..it wouldn't hurt me to try and apply for school..I can do my part and get it done and whether I get in or not who knows, but if I don't then well can't say I didn't try.. that's the important thing right?

I dont know I guess when accomplishing something like this I felt like I could do something better and even then not better.. but something that may benefit a future of mine. I dont know if Im thinking right.. but that's what came to mind

Oh man though that view.. so amazing.. so amazing. my hats off to whoever decides to live there. and I just like woohoo! for having the opportunity to be up there... I was talking to my lady and telling her that my place of comfort is looking at the view.. looking at those moutains.. looking at the ocean.. when I feel like shit or when Im feeling like I can't continue on..my place of rest is those moutains, that ocean... it's just like...the stars.. realizing there's something else.. you know?

Im angry... man alive am I ever angry. I hate living this place, I hate being in this place. I can't cry I can't do anything but be angry and be angry... like seriously everything pisses me off, and my mom likes to rub it in my face of how no one is helping her.. and its like you know what I freakin worked today and there is no way Im going to travel far away to pick up nothing that's desperatly needed. if no one wants to help her do anything then don't do it..who cares because really seriously I don't care... if none of this kids want to help her then whatever who cares. no eggs, no milk no nothing..who cares... no one will care... and they can whine and piss me right off. I need my own space.. I need to be able to come home and let my tears flow in a safe place.

I know whats happening to me... I know whats going on.. I know whats happening...and I feel it everyday.. I feel this pain. I feel the heartache..and instead of feeling it Im taking it out on every thing that could or would make me angry. I need my own place

I need to cry. I need to allow myself to feel something other then anger... because it's not going to help me in the long run. it's going to destroy me and cause pain to all that I love.

Im not sure what to do anymore... Im glad the thoughts I had of ending it all...are finally sort of kinda over... but when faced with a situation like this, it's almost feeling like there is no other way. and facing it the way that I am..doesn't help...IM angry.. Im hurt..I was thinking about it.. and yesterday I said I didn't know why I was pushing my lady outta my life.. and it hit me as I lay in bed... it's because this is an unfimilar road to me, this is a place of darkness for me.. this is my worst nightmare. my worst pain.. every horrible thing I've ever done in my life does not compare to this.. and therefore I want to become the worst nightmare. I want this to destroy me. I want this to take my life. I want to freakin scream at the top of my lungs how much it hurts, how much I hurt...how much I've let them down. how much I have truly hurt...
I deserve death... that's what I think... that's what goes through my head... I look at my life.. and see all the brokenness in the last year of my life.. I see all that stuff I did and see all those drinks I had, and those bad opportunities I had.. and I realize that none of that compares to this.. nothing can compare to the hate in my heart for myself... to not have done the right thing...

How foolishly selfish I am.. and how much I knew without a doubt it will be the ultimatly destroy me in the end...it'll rip me on the inside and soon enough I'll be done.. I'll forget why i was living, I'll forget what I wanted to do and I'll just end up... in a place I cannot come back from. and Im scared of the addiction. Im scared of the rage. Im scared that I'll truly mess everything up for myself..

I wish that I could write the true words..the real words. the real reason... the real pain.. but I can't. I can't even say it..because to me it's like it's not there...even though it haunts me and hurts me...words cannot be spoken not even to my lady..because she doesn't know what demons lie within me..she doesn't need to try and hear these hurtful hateful words..
so in the end..I face it alone..and even though...there are people out there.. Im still here alone.. sitting in my darkness..dealing with my pain and dealing with the worst moments of my life..

I hate that its gone. i hate that I had to go through all this stuff just find out how much it'll destroy me. how much it will scar me, wound me and break me. I cant continue to write you my pain because you won't even understand.. there is not a scar on my body that compares to this pain..that compares to this... I have so many scars from cutting, so many scars from living. but nothing can even be compared to this pain.. and it makes me want to do something stupid.. I feel stupid. I feel like Im not sure if tomorrow will ever come..

and of course if you heard it..you'd know how stupid I am being..and how much it's not even anything..but it doesn't matter because I dont care what you think. I know what I feel and I know what it's done for my future. I know how much it hurts me, and how much it haunts me.. you won't understand it... and it doesn't even matter.. I wish that life could've been better then this, different then this...

I really need something...something to bring me strength... because im about to burst outta weakness an pain.. Im going crazy. i feel it in my bones, and I feel the shattered pieces of my heart ripping through me...

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