Letting him go

It feels terrible to even imagine to write this...but I know that I have too.....

A few years ago I met someone....I met a man...someone that I began to love and cherish and still do to this day... I knew that moving back to Vancouver would mean the loss of the future with him... I could've stayed in Ontario and stayed with him... it was never a sexual thing it was the deeper then that...it was the strong connection...the love deep down...that we felt was so indescribale..
I met Sean... at a Hawaian party it was a Christian event and I met him there...it was a little awkward at first...but as got to know each other...we started to really like one another... we followed the church's wishes in not hanging out...but after a while..we began hanging out and talking about our lives, our tough times..and our deep desire to love God...obey him and honor him....It fell away slowly as we both started to step away from the church.

I stayed connected with him...I really loved him... I really cared for him... I had never been treated so greatly by a man...in my ENTIRE life...no man has ever honored me or treated me as greatly as he did... I remember the exact day our last day together..
I was heading to Belleville on a bus to visit some of my greatest friends....and he met me a few hours earlier... thinking he'd miss me he was running... and we went to have breakfast at all you can eat breakfsat restaurant... he had french toast and he even put salt on it...which I thought was so cute... As our time began to end...as I waited by the bus station...he held me in his arms and said he dreamed that this was the last time he'd ever see me...

I never thought that would ever happen...I can't even describe to you how much I regret getting on that bus... But I was visiting friends and then coming home to visit family for christmas. If I had known that I'd never see him again I would never have gotten on that bus..never left Ontario...

Our times together...were numerous to count...I have journal entries about the love I felt inside, the joy I had in talking to him..hearing from him..and being loved by him.. There has never ever been anyone in my life that could compare to the love I found in him..I know that he had struggled with his struggles, as I did mine...but we found a hope in one another as well as our love for God...

Since moving back to Vancouver...I've not entered into any relationship with men...I really wanted to vow to love Sean and patiently wait for him.... but coming up to nearly two years or more... I heard from him once.... three months ago... he told me loved me, and that he would come to Vancouver to be with me...I was assured of the love we had...I wanted to marry him, and love him forever..
I had never been in a relationship where a man respected me...loved me as deeply as Sean did. and it makes me sad to know what Im about to do...

I thought about the sacrifice I made when I moved back to Vancouver..and thought of returning to Ontario to find Sean...to be with him there...but I don't believe thats what Im supposed to do. I've found a hope in my future here in Vancouver...I've applied for College, and I have a job and my entire family is here... I knew that if he came to Vancouver to me..then I would move back to Ontario with him..marry him and live my life loving him..

I had counselling yesterday...and one major question was asked....and that was whether I would wait for him forever...and I would...but it's begun to be a dream rather then the reality of my life.. and with the experiences I've had since moving back...I would always wonder what he'd think of the choices I've made since moving back...
My counselor had put it in my mind to think about Sean...and think of whether I should wait any longer for him..since it had been a year since I had heard from him, and although he said he'd come I've not heard from him since then...

So I guess in the end... I feel like Im having to analyze everything..and realize... that my future needs to begin..my future needs to move on...and Im scared to do that...but I also know that I have found the strength for a great future, a hope for the future...a future I wanted to share with sean...but he's not here...and therefore I have to carry onto my dreams...I have to find my way through this...and hope that he'll know how he made me feel.... and how it's time for me to live my life..find God again and hope that God will do whats right for me....hope that maybe one day I'll meet a man as great as Sean...or maybe Sean will come...but I can't wait any longer...because it hurts so much...

I think about it often....thinking of his smile..thinking of his embrace..the way he made me laugh. the way he made me love....and the way he helped me through so much in my life... and I will never forget him... But I can't keep waiting for him... this is a drastic decision for me to make as quickly as I have...but it's been long enough for me to see that everything is clear and the time is now...
But to be loved by that man...to be loved like that...there is nothing greater in the world.. to be held in his arms...I remember when he said that he thought or dreamt he'd never see me again. I remember I reassured him that I'd be back in two weeks..and I would call him everyday. and I did we did talk...but then when I returned three weeks after and came to Vancouver and ended up moving back to Vancouver...

To be treated as great as Sean made me feel..to be loved and cared for as he did care for me.. I can't imagine if there would ever be a man as great as him...but I know that I can't wait for him. Im not sure what he's doing, where he in his life or his walk with God...but I really need to follow my dreams...

The loss of this...the feeling of knowing that I'm writing him to tell him what I have too...it feels like it's tearing me to pieces..my heart is breaking in knowing the words I will speak to him, and I wanna hear his voice one last time, I want to hear him tell me he loves me one more time.. but that one more time does not seem to come...and I have to stop waiting for him....
I feel broken...I feel hurt that he didn't come...but I can only hope wherever life takes him.. that he knows he is truly someone who deserves every great thing in this world, he is a great man that I will love and cherish for the rest of my life...

I dont know if this deicison is right...but I feel like I need to say it to him... to tell him that I've waited long enough..and its been three months...and it hurts to be waiting...and that I have to move on with my life...if I ever find a church in Van or ever anything I can't allow myself to be in this place....waiting for him...cause maybe one day I'll meet a man as great as him...or maybe he'll come...but I can't wait for him...I have to live my life to the fullest...I have to live my life to the fullest extent...and find the love in God...to heal these wounds that have now been here...

This is a hard day...I've spent eight hours at work thinking about it...wondering contemplating whether I am making the right decision..the end result is that I need to take care of me, and I can't keep waiting....cause he's made no effort since our last conversation. he told me not to get into a relationship with a man cause he was coming...and yet he hasn't called since then..

I can just put him in God's hands...and let God lead him..guide him..and if its not for him to come here...well I will never forget the love I felt with him..and I'll always miss him and love him forever..

I love you Sean <3