Friday, May 29, 2009

its friday

I wish I could tell you I've been busy all week working like crazy and that have not found the time to write...this is not the case... Im very disappointed in myself for having to say this but I've been drinking every single day after work. not a lot but had a few...and I've come home numerous times now that I've been pretty outta it...
Im not sure what's going on or why Im doing it... I mean the only thing I can think of is that it numbs the pain temporarily.. for times I drink or have been drinking Im not thinking about death, or pain or the hurt I've caused others...Im thinking about myself.. and wondering if I'll get through this, but because Im under the influence my thoughts go back to yep I'll get through it..

I had the strangest dream last night... I dreamt of one of my friends and that I had to help her find a map to Alberta? and the reason she was going there was to help her daughter. but as we were looking for the place she wanted to go..we ended up at splashdown park..I got distracted and dropped my phone...however one thing that my friend gave me was something maybe a napkin or maybe something and it had the two hearts that I had seen a few days ago.

either way I woke up after that...thinking of this friend of mine...because she's been a friend of mine for about ten years...and having her in my dream after calling her a few days ago.. not hearing back from her... shes the lady I would avoid telling anything to...that's also one thing I love about that she's not someone who takes me for a stroll in the park..she gets down to business..none of this baby stuff...and although most of the time it makes me hurt for having to lay it all down before her... I also know that she knows best...and laying it all down is showing her how real I am...and that I truly wanna deal with whatever it is...
I need more friends that are not as nice... lol.. sounds stupid..but I've noticed the softness of them is shaping me...and I honestly don't like that... I dont want to be someone who will cry in a movie, and I don't want to be someone who just acts like a very ladylike.. idea... I dont want that.. it's not me... and for the moment I have too many people in my life...who are soft..
Yes I know for this season this's important because I'm pretty fragile right now...

Isn't that stupid? that Im vulnerable? Im weak..and all this stuff of not knowing whether I would make it through this....I dont get why in the world Im in that state of mind... I mean I used to love my future the idea of it made me smile, the thought of it made me continue to dream. but now after everything I feel like that'll never really come....whether it does or not Im not sure.. I just hope it would..



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