unsure

We live our lives the way we do. I been through some rough times things I can't remember and things I wish I didn't remember. I know what its like to go through rough seasons of life, learning from our mistakes...Living for tomorrow.
Today I was out talking to some people about my life...I couldn't believe what I said.. I said that I got no strength or hope to live the only reason Im making it by is because of my lady gave me that strength and hope. She laid that in my heart, there is not a day that goes by that Im just always thinking of her...I wondered for so long why she is in my life, why she cares or how she can put up with me...Then today..Once again it hit me, she is there here with me because she loves me, and she believes in me.
Its hard to remember three or four months ago the person she met, how did she find all this faith in me. I was chillin at a BBQ and met a woman and we talked a lot of in depth stuff and she cried and she got up and hugged me. she was inspired by me.
That's the person my lady fights for but Im afraid. Im afraid because there is a cycle of my life Im getting back into trying to find myself in the end Im losing myself to things that can and will destroy me.
I know what I have to do to get outta this, to step away from all that tries to destroy me.. It's harder then I thought.. I dont want to rant and rave the same cycle of pain....in my life.
But if only someone could just understand or feel what I felt and then have him be lost and gone forever...I feel like no pain is greater than that and I carry that with me... Or even it's not about understanding what Im saying...it's just knowing that everyone goes through loss differently. and because he was so close to me...it has hurt me more then anything ever could. All these people tellin me same thing..that he in heaven and he be my angel. and Im like shut it! dont say that to me..it doesn't comfort me...
How will I find my through this it just seems every few months things get more difficult.. more painful... Im becoming the person I was before I went to Ontario, I see that coming back. I feel like Im becoming a beast and her faith in me is keeping me contained...yet at the same time all's Im thinking is how long will this last...soon enough she lose her power over me, soon enough I ain't even going to listen to what she has to say. However...
That's one thing...Is that I trust her...and if she tell me that I'll get through this.. then I guess I better just believe her and for NOW...I'll walk this a little bit...
Very rarely are people in my life for long, soon enough all my destructivness, all my hate, and pain will be too much for anyone to handle..
Every few days Im force myself to listen to my voicemail messages to remember the terror I brought onto those who care for me...to hear those words, that weak voice, and read those texts the pain...every time I see it I remember it..I remember the pain I felt when I came back. when I stepped away from where I was and what I was doing.... I ain't never going to forget her voice, or her pain..how much shit I put her through all because I couldn't deal with it. makes me angry!
Im not sure...I...

ANyhow the thing about it is that I keep telling myself to live for the moment. live for right here right now. I can't think of tomorrow because when i think of that I think of all the obstacles in my path, all the hurt I put on others, or then suffering I've felt. I remember all these things. all these things that bring me hope, all these things that brought me life. And I get through each day. not every day...sometimes I just lie and say I made it through, Im doing everything in my power to just bury myself in whatever I can away from people, away from the old habits.. it's not working. I've found myself going the opposite way then the way I'd like to go. and it scares me but Im learning..and I only hope I'll figure this out soon enough.
Today...after however many years I connected wtih a friend...A lady I hadn't seen since forever and for me knowing she is there it was all that mattered... I didn't have to tell her anything but just knowing she is there makes all the difference...But this friend is someone I admire a lot, someone I trusted so much and us reconnecting made a difference...If there is anyone who'd understand everything Im going through, all these things I never say...she is the one lady.. and that's one thing is that I remember what she'd say...
I haven't told any of the stuff though... Im not ready. It is too much for right now...

I just living for the moment and hope that hope will find its way back into my heart. so that I stop hurting all those I love and care for...because If only you'd see how rough Im beginning to look you'd understand me... and even then... I dont even need to say anything else.. Im just getting frustrated with some events that have been happening in my life..and Im not sure how to deal with this, how to act...because there are so many things....

laterz