time passing

As the time continues on... the memories linger deep in me.. each day I find that I find something to cry about, or even just the thoughts of how he has passed.
I have cut off some areas in my life that are uneasy for me. things that have me remember whats going on..

I have a support system and I have people who are there for me if I needed them.. how does someone reach out for that help when in a time like this? it's like everyday a new thought comes to mind..

I was watching one of my favorite movies.. and one thing that popped up was the image of how someone had to face the demons, face the fears and find strength in something... It was crazy because it got me thinking of what kind of strength I have these days... I've felt pretty weak, eating is hard, and crying is flowing.. but to find strength? Im not sure...how do I find strength in all that I have seen... the feelings in my heart overflow with the pain and torment of how much I've lost.
If only someone could truly comprhend what's happened... or how it's made me feel... This past year that I've lived back in Vancouver I've lost a lot of family and friends, but this loss is greater it seems. How do I explain this to someone?

This loss.. is like losing something so dear to me, something that love was all there.. it was a piece of me a part of me.. it was my love...

I can't describe to you the emptiness in my heart.. I can't describe to you the pain and torment. the guilt even of the choices I've made.. how much I miss this feeling...

as for strength... I loved watching that movie again..and seeing him overcome his fears, overcome something that could've killed him and striving forward. it made me realize that's how I feel.. Im not sure how he found that strength to get through that... its hard for me to find that strength.
Today I fell apart.. I flipped out and I knew I would.. and instead of sticking around to the tears and everything. I went for a walk. I was determind to see the beautiful mountains of Vancouver, I wanted to see the ocean. I wanted to go to the bridge...but I knew how weak I was, and I knew I could not go there.. I know my mindset is not in the right place. I feel bad for saying that..

If I could say for real what loss this is... for real what it has made me feel...
Tomorrow...I go back to work... continue returning to my life and the things that I do. but deep down...on the surface everything seems fine. but deep in me..the tears are flowing. my heart wants to break...my soul is empty. I feel hurt.. I feel scared. and I feel guilty.

There are people in my life that are helping me through this... but of all things the coping machinism has come up.. to face this alone... why do we do that? no more so why do I do that? it must be a weakness for me.. I had rehearsed many ways of letting go of people in my life.. do you know how stupid that is? to want to let go of those people? these people are people..not just people...a person.. a lady.. and yet even in the darkest moments of my life she has stood by me, and helped me through..yet even instead of accepting her love and grace. Im willing to throw that all away.. to say good-bye to her...to do everything in my power to let her go. why in the world! I have thought about it so many times. and I think it's because in the most vulnerable state that I am in, I tend to make mistakes, I tend to hurt others, and I tend to do things that i know near future I will regret. and I don't want her to see that.. she has seen the tears in my eyes, she has seen the brokenness of my life.. but this...

I am failing... I have failed. and I am full of the guilt and pain... I could not believe this situation. I mean I knew something would come up! I got a job, I have a future a plan..and this happens. I often say it...that I throw my mindset into a place of seeing the good knowing the bad is not far behind.. that's something I carried from my father's death..and have not found the place of letting that go...because it always proves true...

How do I say good-bye to him? How do I let him go? it's been two days...and my dreams take me to the moments of everything that happened, the memories. the love, the hate, the joy, the tears...the fears... nothing is able to take my mind out of this idea..this place.. Im forever in this state of mind.... he was a part of me, he was someone that could've looked up to me, someone that could've really done something with his life...

I wrote in a journal... about a letter of letting him go, and how difficult it's been..and how much tears flow from my eyes, how much it aches. how much Im shattered, and Im not sure I can find the strength. Im believing more and more that I'm not going to find that strength...that Im going to fall apart...that Im going to do something really stupid, or something that I can't turn back from..

I can only...try...

I will forever be haunted by this experience. this pain. this heartache...and I will always cry for him, and I will always miss him... I will always wish that things could've been better then this.

Im not certain... one of the effects that happens to me is that I am emotional....unstable. everyday is another day of tears...this loss is beyond what words can say, and Im not sure I'll find the strength to get through it.. I believe that if anything...if given the chance this loss has the opportunity to destroy me... because it has truly impacted my life in such a dark place...

I dont know... I can only try...