Tuesday, December 29, 2009

rock bottom

We have all heard the phrase have to wait till they hit "rock bottom" it means a lot of things to a lot of people and the idea of it is that it's supposed to show you your actions that are wrong and what needs to be done so that the decisions you make in the future won't be as they are now. i dont know if that makes sense but the idea for me is that it changes the ways of life... its a choice a decision that is made by one person and one person alone.. there might be people around that love that person that help them make the right decision or whatever..
I'm think of this phrase for many reasons.. cause I guess in a sense my rock bottom had a lot to do with the people in my life, and the scars on my left arm.. a time in my life that no matter how much i try I will never remember that dreadful night...I'll know how it affected the one person I love and care for tremendously, and I know how much my close friends and family wish they had been there to stop me.. no matter what I do I won't remember... its called the blackout state of mind when I got wasted.. well... that was supposed to be my rock bottom that was the time to realize what I had done wrong..how I can change things so that it won't ever come to that again..

The idea of my rock bottom had a lot to do with the scar on my arm and the month that I spent in the hospital for my suicidal or whatever attempt it had been.. I have heard three different stories of that night from three different people one of whom apparently i owe them a sweater which I found profound my life almost ended that night... and yet now I owe someone a sweater.. what the heck was up with that...it showed me what kind of people I had in my life and what kinds of people I want to have in my life. well than..
I had one lady.. my lady who has been in my life for nearly a year and I could not.. even express the feelings of that... this woman...is an unstoppable woman.. no matter what I do now she won't leave me, she won't stop believing in me..when I fall apart when I try to commit suicide after even that event..she is still here standing by me..believing in me and bringing about memories, things that remind me of why I am what I am now.. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at my left arm and regret surviving that night...the ripple effects of that night have been surviving to now and I regret everything I did.. and all the choices and everything that led up to it..
This wasn't about me..but it's bringing about feelings in me that I cannot help but express.. how much I regret surviving that night and no matter what I do I survived..
Tonight I was suprised to find out that my mentor and friend had a chat with me... and this chat had everything to do with this destiny..this future of mine that is meant to be..
How every obstacle that I have faced I have survived even in the midst of turmoil and darkness how that I have the heart to reach people and change their lives in ways that sometimes I hardly know of...and tonight.. for the first time I realized that's what I did to my ladys life.. there is something remarkable about her...something splendid about knowing her and being in her life, something great about being loved by her, and loving her...there is something in me that won't and refuses to leave her and yet refuses to stay close to her.. and tonight my dear friend mentor and friend spoke to me and asked me if I still used the techinque i had used about needing to be rescued often... and I realized..sadly enough this is the turmoil I have put my lady into.. I have done this techinique earlier on in my life apparently... and use it now... those nights of calling in great despair, those nights of getting wasted and trying to end it all... her reaction was the key to my life.. the key to my future... and no matter what I did she responded..

so now...

I wonder... sadly enough...is this worth it? how do i change what I've always been to something else? I dont want to be this person I don't want to be in the past, I dont want this responsibility of my family and I dont want to have to be what I've always been...If I have been created for greatness shouldn't I be more than what I am now? shouldn't I be less of what I am and more of him? should I let go of 589? should I get over my self-pity and really reach down and grab all these things that have caused me to be where I am now..???????
How do I change a friendship...a love like this? how do I make it less emotional and more everything else? I don't need another codependent relationship? I don't need another person needing me? I dont need to freakin be all i ever was...I need to be more than I ever was, I need to move forward in my life.. and I don't want to be rescued.. because honestly when you get right down to it.... I have something in me..living, breathing, and fighting for the future..even when I dont there is something in me that survived that night, something that has kept me alive and kept me breathing even when I don't want too..

I'm confused.. I'm very confused... when I look at this relationship.. I honestly.. feel a loss as if I can't have fun, I can't do this and i can't do that.. I can't enjoy a time with her that I used to have because I am so full of darkness..so full of pity..so full of anger that I hurt her... I hurt her I wounded her in a way that cannot be explained, a pain I don't even know what it is..instead of her telling me....we move past it...and yet it lingers in my mind and I'm lost... I'm lost.. I dont deserve her, I dont deserve this love and I dont deserve her for everything I've done and the more I'm with her the more Im reminded of how much I have hurt her, how much I have fallen apart how I have always been in the dark!!

Once again so off track...

The main point of this blog tonight...was to talk about the situation that I am finding myself more and more again... a pain..a reality of things that are going on.. I have been asked to make a very difficult decision that I am not sure I can make... I worry of the ripple effects, I worry that I will be hated..but than... this is not the way that I need to be thinking.. the point of my actions is that I care... I care for this person so much more than myself and it requires me to make a decision that I am worried about..but I hope and pray and if one wish would be that this person sees the light that I had seen... the need for change..as scary and painful as it is... there is a future.. no matter how hard I fight it... I didn't even think I'd make it through this holiday I diidn't think I'd be alive and although I've survived some fucked up situations..the reality is i am here.. and this is proof that.... there is life in me..there is a desire for me to change.. an in order for that to happen.. I need to share this desire to change with someone very very close to me..this person has so much going for them, so much of a future... but it requires this rock bottom.. this choice, this decision.... if I do not do this..the ripple effects will be immediate danger to those I care for the most... and so what do I do?? how do I act..react..
i'm lost in this situation..but with much prayer from my mentor and friend, much chatting tonight I realized the decision is obvious as painful as it will be... I must do this.. this is the choice and decision that person will have to live with..because I love that person more than my own life if I could I'd take away all their pain, all their tears, and I'd just really take on every darkness this person is going through I'd become all of it.. but this isn't the imaginery world.. the reality is that this person has allowed this turmoil in their life and I have to try and hope that they will see the light and that i have to help them see it...
i'm not sure if it's possible if this is really what I want to do... but I can only hope...that it all works out..because there are many lives at stack for this.. so.. tomorrow today..is judgement day I will be going and talking this through with the people that need to hear it and I hope that whatever decision is made..that victory will be there for this person..

I can only hope for the best... I have to do this..

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