I'm not giving in... I worry about writing these words as I scan the situations I have found myself in.. the mentality that I currently have about screwing up my life... cutting,drinking whatever the case might be...sadly enough i had even mentioned drugs because I personally know if that day ever came I would not recover from that sort of regret. The reality of it lies within my words, my choices and decisions as a person, sister, human being and sometimes a friend.
I dont know where my life is bound to take me in whatever sense that it might want to come forth or come by...even as i write these words I wonder about school, about my living situations. I have many thoughts of craziness and pain...but underneath it all..there is in the small dark crevices is me...the person the fighter that so many people are looking for...
I'm often unaware of my ability to survive....to survive every horrible tragedy I felt I've faced or may face in the future.. There is a deep longly in me hoping I'd fall short, that I'll fail or something but reality is it's not gonna happen for me...part of that proof to me is the perfect marks I got in school... Even in all the darkness in all the pain I had been facing I learned things and wrote those assignments with tears in my eyes and yet the response was more great than I had expected..
Just the other day... I was talking to my lady about what it feels like for me to have people tell me they are supporting me, they are there for me...and how they had failed me in what felt like some of my most vulnerable states... the analogy I used for that.. was trying to get a crippled person to walk... with support it might be possible there might be hope for that person, but as soon as that support falls apart or walks away, cancels appts, or anything that is when the person falls right back to the ground....and each time I am forced to get back up I wonder when will the next time be? when will the next time someone not be there for me? I talk so often about the fear of being alone... its one major reason i can't end my life...its why I got of the ledge, it's why i did what I did... i cant stand the idea...
I had an appt the other day...and I was told the reason I push my lady or try to push her outta my life is because I want to prove my point that at some point everyone has enough...and that I am not worthy of that kind of love, friendship or life.... it kinda made sense.. but my point of view honestly... in all the blogs i wrote, in all the journal entries I've written....there is a pattern of brokenness and i know there is only an extent that people can comprhend...I am a lot.. i do a lot of not so great things to myself and a lot of the time I'm not exactly sure why...
Could it be the following: I'm a mistake, I'm worthless, I was never loved, i was belittled, I am weaker than everyone believes, I am unworthy of the life at hand... I was abused, I am an angry hurt person... I haven't cried in a long time and when I do...I have to do something stupid like cutting just to know it's ok...
the pattern of my life is destruction...I've played with fire all my life... been burned and been hurt, been lost in the flames...and whenever people try to come alongside me an help me it doesn't last it can't last...this flame, this fire of me is mine alone....I'm not ready to give it up because for me I see this as protection, and fear.. I am afraid of what my life will look like outside of this fire.... I wrote it in my journal..
we talk about healing, talk about the future as if it will come to pass for me...but I wrote in my journal that everyone is telling me the grass is greener on the otherside of this brokenness that I can get through this and that I'll be happier...however when I look at it I don't see that...I imagine that I'll become a soft person who lets destruction envelope my family, to have to cry, talk about feelings and what not...not my taste of life... I was taught to never trust no I was shown that trust is broken and there is an ultimate price to it... not worth it... I was told that everything I am..is wrong..everything I learned everything I know is wrong..my life was not meant to be.....
people talk about this great person that I am..this great person that I may become one day... who in the world would want someone like me to survive...why...why is it so important...I look at my scars and see the pain...I dont see testimony I see destruction...I am not healed and it seems everytime I strive for that healing....I start to take one step and than support is gone and than I give up for a bit....and than try again knowing it'll happen again...I'm told this is part of healing.. is this really part of healing??? people asking me what they could do to help me...when reality is I dont know...I think just not leaving me alone, telling me their there when or if I needed them.. just something....its when i feel the all alone mentatlity that I find myself going into destruction and the worst part is that once that starts to happen....than things in my life start to come together to be sure I stay in that darkness..
such as family issues, childhood pain, life in general... things that feel more destructive...when I feel alone and I get more destructive.
I mean of all things that holidays are here...I didn't buy anything for anyone...I couldn't afford too but the same thing is I also dont want to base the love i have for my family on some gift that i know in a few months wont matter... the fun for me in this time is just to spend time with eachother, to have a good laugh, enjoy life event for a second...this is why I like where I'm at being at my moms...to be here with them...to laugh, to be a part of this family...
the holidays have changed tremendously... it hurts to see how much its changed...I mean I remember my father one or his only Christmas clean and sober and the only thing he wanted one thing he wanted, the only wish he had on his wish list was to hold my brother jeffrey in his arms for the first time, to spend time with us...that's all he wanted..nothing to do with clothes, gadgets, expansive things...all's he wanted was to be a part of this family...what happened to our world that there isn't much of that happening anymore?
alright...I'm talking too much again...but I'm just.... trying to find myself..find that person everyone is fighting for....so that I can fight for her too...because it is ultimately true that I am tired of where I am currently in my life...I'm tired of the pattern of destruction happening in my life right now....I need change, I desire it but I also fear it tremendously....but I look at someone like my lady...and I'm in awe of how great she is, how beautiful, how precious, and how rare she is... to have as a friend to have in my life...to see her...is to see the endless possibilities of greatness that may await me in the future.... no matter what I have to fight myself in trying to get her outta my life...But I really want to stop hurting her, stop doing everything I do that causes her to worry, that causes her to feel pain or concern because I did something... I just.. I really cherish her tremendously and I just dont know how to stop being what I am and start being what I need to be...to enjoy life with her! to enjoy life just for myself...
laterz
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