Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas history

I just read a bulletin from a cause I am involved in on FB and it compelled me to write a great thanks to the person who had the heart to share those amazing words exactly what I needed at a time like this... words of encouragement, inspiration, and strength to continue on living and loving at whatever way that is coming my way.

I left my mothers house lastnight in anger in tears really... the arguing and lack of giving that happened in this house finally became more than I could handle and I finally had enough.. enough of the fighting, enough of feeling like I didn't matter, that my presence here didn't matter. It honestly felt like history recreating itself in a way that hurt me beyond I left the situation..
Anyhow... I came back and since returning things have been good.. no arguing and an honest sense of helping eachother.

But this note that I read... it was from a stranger as I know it...but it was telling me that I'm worth it even during this season and time in my life. that no matter what I've done this past year of my life no matter the damage I caused, no matter the heartaches I've had, and everything literally EVERYTHING is going to be tell me that I'm worth life is worth living, my life is worth living...words of the greatest encouragement that I could ever comprhend to say how much that letter made my day made me realize how important I am no matter what goes on in my head.
Sadly enough as strong and courageous as some may think I am... the image I've created for myself has been beyond repair.. At times I feel the worthlessness in the depths of my soul and it creeps up and I destroy every good thing in my life... trying to battle with myself and tell myself that I'm not worth this life.. especially at this time of the year.. of time.. etc.. I could not feel more hopeless in knowing I'm not completely certain how much i can be here for my family... I battle my own self in all the has happened...

To live each day... to be here eachday... trying to live... its beyond words I can speak of how much pain and suffering the trials and tribulations of my life have caused me great pain.. the obvious signs of my trauma are written and forever scars on my arms... this was in the past eight months of my life... to even imagine going through another year of anything... it's a breaking point for me.. to find the courage even just for today to be all that I need to get through the day.. I dont know how to do it you know? the facade of me... is the one that says everything is fine, or that I dont care anymore.. really these are the signs of the true brokenness of my heart...
I have felt that I have failed... failed at living... People tell me to keep going..even when I don't think I can stand another step of this day... people continue to tell me to keep fighting.. to not drink, not cut.. not go back into the lifestyle I had made for myself in believing so wholeheartidly that this was the way I'd spend the rest of my a broken mess of whatever


this letter came to me...and made me feel what I have waited to feel all this time... a love.. an honest love that came from a doesn't matter if i dont have presents, that I may be disappointed tomorrow with my family arguing.. the greatest thing is that someone out there cared enough to send a message of love, of strength, and just life... this is what I needed and what I love beyond what words can say.

you know... there are tons of people who believe so strongly in me...that sometimes their love and strength that is sent is more than I could handle... I always think if only they would walk one day in my shoes to feel the things I do in a day, to feel the heartache of each day.. the fear of failing.. the worthlessness of my past the creeps up and reminds me that I'll never really get there you know? just to understand why I feel this way... act this way.
but I guess..inspite of all that I feel I am facing... there is a fighter underneath all these things in my life..
If there wasnt...I'm certain I would not be here now.

So than.. after realizing even if there is still someone here in me..beneath the darkness of me there is a fighter...

Today for the second time.. I went through Skid Row... seeing Pigeon Park a landmark in my life.. as it was the times I seen my father for the last times he was alive.. than when we think of that and see it now...what I would give just to be held in his arms you know?
the Christmas history... well.. the greatest most precious Christmas i will forever remember is when my father... for the first and last time.. he was clean and sober and he spent Christmas with us for the first and last time.. he had couple things he wanted for Christmas.. first was to be clean and sober, second was to hold his son Jeffrey for the first time which happened, and last was just to be with us..which he was... this christmas is forever engraved in my soul.. because it wasn't about the values of how much money is in the persons pocket, had nothing to do with things like ps3 or games, clothes, nothing like that.. all it was is family... all my father wanted was to be with family..and that's all I hold true too as well.. thats all I want

My younger sisters father is back.. I hope it won't be difficult because I really don't want to destroy my family single handly... I'm here to enjoy Christmas with my family at whatever way I can.. to capture the goodness..because I'm desperate for the beauties of this time in my life.

will see how it goes..

I miss my lady tons and I love her unconditionally.. I send her a Merry Christmas and all my love <3

I send a Merry Christmas to all who read my blog.. we are living in a world of great beauties, great opportunities.. great gifts.. watch for them.. enjoy your family.. enjoy your friends.. and just as I was told.. know your worth more than you know!

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