overwhelmed

i'm not sure exactly whats going on with me right now...I'm not sure...It could be that for the last three days my brother has been drinking....I have been at my moms forever and i've been cleaning, and do everything...dealing with children rather than teenagers and adults...Ive found myself dealing with children...it bothers me...and than on top of all that..I just can't imagine what I will be doing with my life...you know?
i realize that even though I dread the day of my birthday coming up in a few months..reality is I'm looking at all the things I had hoped or places I had hoped to be.... Realizing these things... knowing the future I had hoped for may not come to pass... all by my own hands..I have single handly destructed my own future and all that awaited or that I thought had awaited me... All the plans all the goals I had hoped to accompish...well its not going to happen..
I'm feeling the feelings I once felt...the feelings that I have to choose to fight my own demons in times like these.... christmas is coming up and I dont feel the season.. I just want to hide.. just not be here on that day... I'm not a happy person right now...I'm not happy about all the responsibilities I have found myself carrying...and people keep telling me to stop to just let them go...but than I do and few months later I'm back and life has not changed and everything is still the same...and i can't help but want it to be better...I have high hopes for certain people in my family that i know if i stick around maybe they will do better...but I guess I may or may not be let down...but I'd hope my presence here would make a difference..

It actually got me thinking.... of this idea of darkness...of the things that cause me or help me choose self-destruction...the idea of suicide or death of me... the idea of the effects I would have on many many people... it bothers me because these people have great things going for them.. to imagine where they would be if i had choosen something like that...It got me thinking... you know how much it wouldn't matter if I was drinking or doing drugs? I'd be like my sister a ghost.. someone that you rarely see and when you do it's a unwanted presence... but than when I think of going back to drinking or someting all's I can see is my death coming to pass..and than when it comes to drugs...well... no matter what I do... when I think of drugs I think of my father, I think of my auntie I think of my older sister...and thats all I need to think about when it comes to drugs... so than what else is there? there is a choice... a choice to not allow the little things that are tormenting me now destroy me...but when i am where I am..acting or behaving this way and witnessing all these damn things than I feel like a failure.. I feel the worthlessness and the damn fear of my past...the fear of that piece of shit of me that is trying to cry...

i should've went away.. i shouldve just left..I should have just bought a ticket and left.. and said screw it all... but reality is I couldn't do that because I know that i can't.. I cant do that..that's no longer who I am..this is not what I can do... so i am stuck here... and so I have to hope that tomorrow I'll get some air...maybe travel as far away from here as i can possibly go just to get away... because if i dont than I won't be able to make it much longer. I worry you know.. I worry about myself in this state of mind..because this is the vulnerable part of me.. this is the part of me that is so close...so close to destruction...I have to recognize these feelings recognize that this is just for the moment and hope that i can be smart enough to choose the right decision even if i only can make it to another day...that's all that matters you know? just one more day...One more moment, one more...just one...

once again convincing myself I am not going crazy...I'm not... I may have lost everything that I felt mattered to me...and even than at times I dont even know who I am now.. I dont know what's going on with me... the confusion of this stupid mind games i play with myself between life and death... and the destruction of myself...damn it you have no idea how ashamed I feel for being so damn stupid to continue to cut to have these disgusting scars on my arms! I have to wait another year before I can put a tattoo over one of them but the other one I'll never be able to cover it! I really hate this part of me that has to be like this...

I'm not losing it...just trying to figure things out...i have too...I really have too... I can picture the results of any choice i make that is not fighting to live..i can see it...and at times like this moment it is the only thing stopping me...no one...should ever struggle like this..and I am! what is wrong with me! I'm sick of trying sick of this battle that I am feeling the way I'm feeling...

trying to breath...I just one more day...one more day that's all I can deal with is tomorrow... that's it...